The Kardashians are suppressing a trashy novel about Kim’s sex tape

There is a conspiracy to rob us of crucial entertainment supplies in the midst of a worsening global pandemic, so of course the Kardashian family is behind it. But this isn’t like all those times Scott Disick or Tyga reportedly threatened to write tell-all memoirs about the family before backing off such an obvious bluff. It seems there’s an honest-to-God Kardashian novel out there, about the sex tape scandal that made Kim a household name, written by a man who used to be family insider. But the Kardashians — who have so much wealth they shouldn’t give a shit about this, yet maintain the typical pettiness of the truly filthy rich — are apparently blocking the author’s attempts to get it published and into our hands.

Page Six was the first to write about the Kardashian novel gossip. According to their take, Kevin Dickson, a “former family confidant” and author of two published novels, “has written a book called Post Famous whose central character, Zia Zandrian,” is based so hard on Kim Kardashian the book ought to come with a wink and a nudge.

The most familiar of the book’s many “uncannily familiar plot points”? In the novel, Zandrian’s mother convinces Zia to sell her own sex tape for a cool five million dollars…and drama ensues.

Page Six further reports that Dickson, who was “a go-between [for] the family and In Touch magazine” from Kim’s sex tape days until she divorced Kris Humphries, had what looked like a done deal with one publisher. But then, out of nowhere, the publisher contacted Dickson’s agent to pass on Post Famous. An insider apparently said going through with the deal “wouldn’t be worth the hassle” the Kardashians would put up in court.

However, it seems the canceled first deal has had the opposite effect: at least “two other” publishers are said to be interested in the book — as is an unnamed TV studio, who wants to produce the adaptation. And the Kardashians are nothing if not media savvy. They had to know that word of their alleged maneuver would get out and drum up publicity for the book. Also, I’m not a lawyer, but I can tell you that people write thinly-veiled novels about real-world celebrities all the time, because doing so is perfectly legal and a good way to ensure an audience.

Plus, Kim’s sex tape has been out there for thirteen years. It’s not hard to find if you haven’t seen it. Ray J hasn’t talked any shit about Kim’s vagina in years. And Kim is trying to become a lawyer herself. So I can’t help but wonder if Dickson or his agent pulled the original deal because he / they thought they could get something better elsewhere.

But whatever the reason, this Kardashian novel hasn’t been published yet, and that is frankly unfair to the rest of us. The novel coronavirus isn’t going away anytime soon. Entire countries are going to have to shelter in place or outright quarantine for who knows how long. We need as much entertainment stockpiled as possible. It’s practically as un-American to keep this book from seeing the light of day.

All this Kardashian novel talk reminded me of the time Kylie and Kendall wrote a YA novel. That was one of the first things I wrote about for Starcasm, back when I was even worse at this than I am now. Of course, Kylie and Kendall had a little help from a ghostwriter. If I had their money, I’d probably do the same.

(Photo credit: Kardashian novel via Instagram)

John Sharp is Starcasm’s chief editorial correspondent-at-large. Tips: E-mail john@starcasm.net or Twitter @john_starcasm.