There’s no other way to put it: there is a true shitload of stuff in an Oscars gift basket. I thought it was maybe ten or twelve different things, nestled delicately upon a bed of shredded organic woodpulp inside a Ten Thousand Villages wicker basket. (The other deflating discovery I made is that the infamous baskets do not actually come in a basket.) If I’d known just how many items I would have to track down to write this, I might have just done another Jordyn Woods article instead. But track down I did, and now I can confirm the full extent to which the Oscar gift bags 2019 are a five-figure cosmetic orgy with some gourmet edibles thrown in.

Almost every other rundown of this year’s gift bags is just a long list of stuff, accompanied by some vague rounded dollar value. But a clunky spectacle like this — that’s the spread from the 2017 Oscars in the photo at the top — is more akin to the annual explanation of how much the stuff in “The 12 Days of Christmas” costs. It wants precision. And so:

How much does all the stuff in the Oscars gift bags 2019 really cost?

There are 52 different companies in this year’s swag bag, which is called the “Everyone Wins” bag. (Every nominee in every major acting category gets one, along with all the Best Director nominees.) Those companies pay up to $20,000 to Distinctive Assets, the marketing firm in charge of assembling the goodies, for the privilege of getting their product in the hands of some of the biggest celebrities in the world.

However, there’s no way to know the exact number of items in the bag, since the press release only lists uses a general plural when there’s more than one of something. So I just assumed that a plural meant there were two, except in cases where two seemed insufficient or a different number was more entertaining. If the Oscars are plenty arbitrary (they are), moviegoers get to be, too.

Here’s what’s in the bag:

1. A luxury small-ship adventure with International Expeditions
Cost: $5,698
Nominees get their choice of four destinations: the Amazon; the Galapagos Islands; Iceland; or Costa Rica-Panama. Other trips cost more, but I was once robbed of a chance to go to Brazil for four months, so the Amazon is the only choice.

2. Coda Signature premium cannabis-infused edibles, topicals and concentrates
Cost: $25 for a three-pack
The cost comes with an asterisk: prices aren’t listed on Coda Signature’s website, and the product itself is only available in California and Colorado. I’m going with Dope Directory’s slightly outdated write-up, because why not?

3. An annual VIP membership to MOTA ― LA’s first cannabis-friendly social club
Cost: At least $5,000
There’s no “VIP” listing on MOTA’s web site; $5,000 is the most expensive membership they offer publicly.

4. Private phobia relief sessions with the world’s number one phobia expert Kalliope Barlis
Cost: Approximately $990
A single spot in Barlis’ Phobia Relief Workshop costs $495, so presumably a private session is at least twice as much.

5. Jarritos-filled Yeti Coolers along with a commitment from Jarritos to donate a pallet of their great-tasting flavored soft drinks to a charitable event of the nominee’s choice
Cost: Approximately $154
Jarritos’ website doesn’t list prices. It costs $1 per bottle at the supermercado near my house. Yeti has fancier coolers, but the $130 Tundra has a seat cover and is meant to be sat upon. There is no way to improve that without Tom Haverford levels of electricity camping. I think 24 bottles of Jarritos could fit into that cooler and make for a splendid afternoon outdoors

6. Premier handcrafted A. Junod Absinthe
Cost: $54.99 at the upscale Mel & Rose liquor store in Los Angeles — one of only three places to get it in the US.

7. Age Interventionist Renee Lynn’s CBDRxSupreme protocol
Cost: $110, plus time wasted trying to make sense of this jibberish.

8. Personal training sessions with celebrity trainer Alexis Seletzky
Cost: $7 (actual cost unknown)
Apparently you get ten sessions with Alexis. I e-mailed him to ask his rate and haven’t heard back; I can only assume he’s figuring out how high to raise it now that he’s Oscars-approved. In the meantime, $7.

9. AP4GooD limited-edition art T-shirts
Cost: At least $216
All their limited edition stuff costs 95 euro, which is $108 US. The press release says “shirts,” so, double that.

10. One-of-a-kind custom stained glass portraits from Artist John Thoman
Cost: $131 (actual cost unknown)
There are no prices anywhere on Thoman’s web site — nor are there any on the sites of any of the galleries where his work is currently showing. If I could afford his work and wanted to buy some, I would be a bit dismayed. At any rate, Tiffany-style stained glass windows go for around $130 on Overstock. Thoman, a professional artist, presumably charges more.

11. A week-long Greek beachfront escape at Avaton Luxury Villas Resort
Cost: $2976.26
The resort’s presidential suite — 120 square meters with a private pool and an expansive view of the sea — costs 374 Euro a night. That’s $425.18, multiplied by seven nights.

12. Blush & Whimsy magical color changing lipstick
Cost: $28
It’s normally $22, but they have a costlier “Oscar blush.”

13. Chocolatines Chocouture Collection
Cost: $28 (probably)
Three of the four selections in this collection cost $28 each; the fourth costs $27.50. That’s some fine hair splitting.

14. CloSYS – the spa kit for your mouth
Cost: $24.99; a tag line that sounds like a weird come-on

15. An organic field-to-table dinner for two at Flora Farms in Los Cabos, Mexico
Cost: $500 (actual cost unknown)
There actually isn’t a menu with prices on the farm’s official site. What there is, however, is the promise of a Bloody Mary made with heirloom tomato water. Let’s just say the whole meal costs $500 and be happy drinking those all night.

16. A week at the Golden Door luxury wellness resort
Cost: $9,650
Not including tax or gratuities.

17. Chocolate from Good Girl Chocolate
Cost: $39
Their small assorted container is $12 and the large is $27. And “chocolate,” as a collective noun, can be plural. Remember that the next time there are only two truffles left in the box.

18. Happiest Tee luxury t-shirts
Cost: $130
The cheapest items in their shop cost $65. The press release says “shirts,” so I’m assuming there are at least two of them in the Oscars gift bags 2019.

19. High Beauty High Five Cannabis Facial Moisturizer and High Expectations Cannabis Facial Oil skincare products
Cost: $94
The moisturizer costs $40; the oil is $54.

20. It’s A 10 Haircare Miracle hair dryer
Cost: $180
The only hair dryer on their site is the “professional” model, and it costs $180. Pretty expensive for something that’s just going to become another toddler toy.

21. Dental health products from Knotty Floss
Cost: $36
Their floss and tooth picks are $18 each. Presumably you get both.

22. Kusshi makeup bag/organizer
Cost: $159
There are other organizers in their shop, but the “Vacationer full set” is $159. And, given the number of vacations in this basket, no major award-nominated actor and / or director should accept anything less.

23. Le Céline Confidence & Star Appeal luxury eyelashes
Cost: $247.84
Their naming system is a complete mystery and their site’s search function is no help at all. Most of their eyelash sets cost 109 euro each. That’s $123.92 US, and it sounds like “Confidence” and “Star Appeal” are two different things.

24. Love Is Stronger Than Hate tote bags
Cost: $20

25. MILLIANNA jewellery items
Cost: $795
The 4″ Amazon Cuff ($390), Baroque Drop earrings ($85), and Cassandre Petit three-strand necklace ($320) look like the most fun, so that’s what I put in my Oscar basket.

26. Mister Poop Emoji Plunger
Cost: $9.99 (actual cost unknown)
No prices here, and presumably the Oscars version doesn’t come with a caddy. There is no way outside of a county fair that this costs ten dollars.

27. Three day-long stay at Luxury Wellness Retreat in Malibu
Cost: Unknown, with raised eyebrows
No price tag anywhere, but in one spot this three-day retreat is scheduled to last from March 30 to March 31. So someone’s not getting their money’s worth.

28. Poolside dinner from Nest Seekers International for nominee and friends prepared by celebrity chef
Cost: Unknown in non-Flavortown currency
There’s not enough information to have any idea. I hope the celebrity chef is Guy Fieri, that the pool is drained and behind a Motel 6, or both.

29. Optimum Nutrition Salted Toffee Pretzel Crisp Bars
Cost: $9.99 for a box

30. Organic Hair Care products
Cost: $45.97
Fancy shampoo $17.99; fancy conditioner $12.99; Spray Wax Texturizer $14.99.

31. A one-year supply of Oxygenetix Breathable Foundation
Cost: $792
I have it on good authority that an Oscar-level celebrity is probably using this product every single day, and that daily use should translate to about one bottle per month. A 15ml bottle costs $66; multiply that by 12 and you get $792.

32. Nannette de Gaspé beauty products
Cost: $275
They have a cannabis sativa bath soak called called Bain Noir. Bain Noir sounds like a huge silent henchman in a throwback crime film. Anything called Bain Noir is worth trying.

33. Instytutum products
Cost: $200, sure

34. MZ Skin Lift & Lustre serum and Hydra-Bright eye masks
Cost: $625
I know the press release says something else. But MZ has a product called the “Light-Therapy Golden Facial Treatment Device.” Would you say no if a smiling stranger offered you a $625 golden facial for free? I’m hoping you would. And I’m also hoping that that’s what the nominees are getting from MZ.

35. Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies
Cost: $4
The other day these were going two for $4 at the grocery store. Having bought some, I would now feel stupid indeed if I were also getting one of the Oscars gift bags 2019 this weekend.

36. PETA Agent for Animals Spy Pens
Cost: Unknown
This product does not exist in PETA’s store. I applaud their creation of a truly sneaky Spy Pen.

37. Hand-crafted gourmet Posh Pretzels
Cost: $40

38. Artwork by Reian Williams
Cost: Approximately $5,000
Three years ago, Williams’ work was selling in the $3,000-to-$15,000 range. And this is at least his second time being included in the baskets (Williams was on offer in 2017 as well). We say $5,000 or bust.

39. Rouge Maple pure organic maple syrup and Glamour Gourmet gift set
Cost: $125
Their Celebrity 2018 Gift Set cost $125 and that’s all I have the patience for right now

40. Hands-free Safety Dog Leash
Cost: $14.95

41. Salix all-natural hair-inhibiting lotion
Cost: $79.99
Hair lotion definitely sounds like a hoax. Has hair lotion been a thing? Do I pay insufficient attention to cosmetics?

42. One-of-a-kind customized fragrances from Sue Phillips of Scenterprises
Cost: $265
That’s what her “Create-Your-Own Bespoke Perfume” will set you back.

43. Soul Candles from Soul Shropshire
Cost: $34.67
These candles are all between 10.50 and 20 Euro each. Since it’s plural, let’s just say one of each and reach for the edibles.

44. Southern Wicked Lemonade all-natural lemonade moonshine
Cost: $9.99 (actual cost unknown)
Every mass-produced alcohol marketing itself as moonshine is a disappointing shadow of the genuine mountainside article. Don’t pay a penny over $9.99 for a bomber of this stuff.

45. TAPS for Hope Afghan lapis bracelets
Cost: $90

46. The Beauty Book for Brain Cancer by Darren Tieste
Cost: $39.99
There are two editions and they each cost $39.99. We don’t know which you’re getting, but you’re only getting one.

47. The Green Garmento Gigantote and reusable garment bags
Cost: $25.98
Their deluxe bag costs $12.99, and you get at least two.

48. Tru Niagen Age Better NAD-increasing dietary supplement
Cost: $40
“NAD-increasing”

49. Rejuvenating beauty treatments from the New York City-based Dr. Konstantin Vasyukevich
Cost: $30,000
Page Six reports that the “treatments” total $30,000, and that’s all I need to know.

50. VidaHair Growth Natural Hair Growth System
Cost: $135 for a five-item set

51. WSJ. Magazine with free subscription card
Cost: A firm $1
Their President’s Day sale is $1 for two months. No word on a third. I rule they waive the fee for celebrities.

52. ZuZu Kim Couture Bow Tie
Cost: $75
$75 seems to be their baseline price for a bow tie. But one day a picture of you wearing that bow tie could appear on the company’s site alongside the one they’e running of dapper Larry King. And right now, talking bow ties with Larry King while sitting on my Yeti cooler sounds like the correct way to spend the day, the Academy Awards ceremony, life.

Total cost of the Oscars gift bags 2019: $65,214.60, plus a poolside dinner cooked by Guy Fieri, a Malibu retreat, and a couple of spy pens.

Total cost of tallying the total cost of the Oscars gift bags 2019: Eyestrain and two bags of Pepperidge Farm cookies.

The host-less, Black Panther-led 2019 Academy Awards air live at 8 PM Eastern / 5 PM Pacific on ABC.

(Photo credits: Oscars gift bags 2019 via SplashNews.com)

John Sharp is Starcasm’s chief editorial correspondent-at-large. Tips: E-mail john@starcasm.net or Twitter @john_starcasm.