90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After’s Ashley Martson hopes to start fresh in 2020. The 33-year-old reality star shared a photo of herself crying (that she says was taken accidentally) on Instagram this weekend as she opened up about the pain and hurt she caused herself when she ignored innumerable red flags and the advice of everyone around her by marrying the self-proclaimed Jamaican “gyalis” Jay Smith in May of 2018.
In her lengthy caption, included in its entirety below, Ashley reveals that the photo was taken on the night of her birthday party earlier this year, which was right after she filed for divorce from Jay for the second time. She says that she bumped into Jay at the party, and added that she was attacked by the tabloids about her failed marriage.
Ashley was able to hold it together during the multiple events that week, but she reportedly lost it during the Uber ride home after the birthday bash. “The tears came pouring out,” she recalls. “It was the moment I knew… I knew I failed. I failed my marriage, myself, my children. My heart was broken into a million pieces and the walls completely caved in around me. Everything I kept bottled in poured out of my eyes in the back of this Uber.”
Ashley later admits that she still loves Jay, but she promises us that her post will be “the final time I speak on us or our marriage.”
Here is Ashley’s original photo and the full caption:
This is as raw and real as I can be. I’m fighting the tears just typing this. This year has been tough. This photo was taken accidentally the night of my birthday party in New York City. We had just split and I filed for divorce for the second time. The tabloids attacked me at my events all week about my failed marriage. He showed up to my party, unannounced. We were civil and had an appearance the next day so it was okay. He said Happy Birthday. He had drinks and hung out with his friends.
As I walked out the door and got in the Uber with @ritzy_rina I just lost it. The tears came pouring out. It was the moment I knew… I knew I failed. I failed my marriage, myself, my children. My heart was broken into a million pieces and the walls completely caved in around me. Everything I kept bottled in poured out of my eyes in the back of this Uber. My best friend, who is a true best friend, didn’t even ask. She just began crying as well. She saw me hurt for so long and try and act like I was okay even though she knew I wasn’t okay. She felt my pain and we both just cried. The whole ride to our hotel. I never felt a hurt like this in my life. Ever.
I’m not blaming all this on him. That’s not why I’m posting this. I just want men and women to both know it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to cry it out. It’s okay to not be strong all the time. It’s okay to fail. What’s not okay is to let it destroy you. You can, and you will, get back up and begin to pick up the pieces.
To this day I still hurt. I still love him. I just have come to terms with the fact it’s over and I’m gonna be okay. So all of you who are struggling please know these feelings are temporary and you will get back to yourself. Time truly does heal wounds.
There is no more Ashley and Jay. I’m leaving this post with the final time I speak on us or our marriage. It’s about to be a new year and I’m ready to start a new chapter and not look back. Thank you for all your support through this hard time and a special thank you to @xdestiny_lynnx @ritzy_rina @dolceaestheticsny and @michellee_727 you guys are amazing and I can’t imagine fighting this battle without you. #90dayfiance #tlc #happilyeverafter
Some of Ashley’s 90 Day Fiance franchise co-stars responded with support in the comments section:
DAVID TOBOROWSKY: Here is to better 2020. Let’s look at the year with foresight and not hindsight. Better days are yet to come 😊😊😊😍😍😍❤️❤️❤️
LARISSA: Wishing a better year for us baby girl. Stay strong.
LEIDA: We’re always be here for you if you need anything… Merry Christmas and Happy New Year 💕💕💕🙏🏻
TOM BROOKS: 2020 will be a great year for you … 💯❤️
As far as the “accidental” photo, Ashley explained how that happened to a concerned follower:
COMMENT: How do you “accidentally” take a crying selfie?? 🤔
ASHLEY: Probably the same way you type a stupid response on a very sensitive post. I’m sure you will figure it out.
COMMENT: Okay, don’t be so defensive, was just curious. Was trying to imagine, between the raw emotion & tears, “whoops, took a pic, might keep that & post!” 🤷🏼♀️
ASHLEY: Sorry for coming off mean. It was taken accidentally. I kept it. Every time I was tempted to go back I looked at this photo. It took me back to that place of pure heartbreak and I would tell myself don’t do it you’ll be back here. I always acted very tough and like I didn’t care on tv. It was a front, this is actually how I was. Just thought I should be open about it in hopes to help someone.
#90DayFiance #HappilyEverAfter Ashley charged with assault & criminal mischief after reportedly throwing a fire extinguisher through Jay's window in a drunken rage #HappilyNeverAfter #90DayFiancraycray https://t.co/cgujbFNOad
— Starcasm (@starcasm) June 25, 2019
Ashley responded to another similar comment about the “accidental” photo with a bit of humor:
COMMENT: How was it taken accidentally?
ASHLEY: Jesus came Down from heaven and hit the button to take the photo. It was pretty wild. Wish you could have been there.
If case you’re wondering why Ashley brought Jesus up, it’s in reference to her overly confident statement about Jay prior to getting married. Here’s the quote from one of our most popular Instagram posts of 2019:
I wish Ashley well — especially in regards to her aspiration to not talk about Jay or their marriage ever again.