In Season 18, Episode 4 of Sister Wives (titled “A Deal With the Devil,”) Kody Brown opened up about some disturbing thoughts he’s having, and viewers of the show are worried. Even his friend Nathan is worried about any of the wives that would remain with Kody.
Kody even admitted that he didn’t want his wife, Robyn to see him talking about the dark things he things.
Kody says he used to be optimistic about the plural marriage lifestyle, but it’s “heartbreaking” now that everyone’s miserable. “It was a dream, and now it’s gone,” he says.
Even Kody’s buddy Nathan noted that “Robyn’s in for a ride, and any of the other wives that stay with them.”
Nathan tried to help Kody get to a more positive place during their car ride on the show by encouraging him to take his old battered sword and make it new and shiny.
Kody responds by saying that he’d like to know from Christine, Janelle, and Meri what their ideal about plural marriage is now.
In interview, Janelle says she still believes in plural marriage and could live it again but doesn’t know if she will ever have an opportunity to do it again. She would have to meet people who are living that lifestyle, and there simply aren’t that many available.
Christine also believes that plural marriages can work, but she thinks that everyone has to work together.
Meri doesn’t blame polygamy for the family’s problems; she thinks it’s their personalities that didn’t make it work. She also says that she thinks Kody regrets marrying Christine. She doesn’t know if he regrets marrying Janelle, but she knows for sure that he regrets marrying her.
In the interview, Kody wonders what has changed inside of him to make him feel relief when a wife leaves when, five years ago, he was fighting to keep the family together.
Kody wants to be a devil
Even though Kody has relief when a wife leaves, going through his spiritual divorce from Christine has made him extremely angry and bitter.
He tells Nathan that he thought he could “meditate” his way through the divorce, but instead, he can’t meditate, and he finds his prayers to be “faithless.”
Kody then states that he’s come to the point where he just wants to be a “d1ck for a little while.
He further elaborates in his interview chair that he wants to “grow horns” and say mean things. He’s getting the urge to behave like Christine says he is. “Oh! You think I’m an a$$hole? I’ll show you an a$$hole,” he says.
He describes what he’s going through as having a “gremlin” inside of him.
In his interview, Kody goes on about a deep, sinister urge that he’s fighting inside, describing it as the “wolf you starve.”
Here Kody is referring to a Cherokee metaphorical story about how everyone has two wolves fighting inside of them, one evil and one good. The one who wins the battle is “the one you feed.” Here, Kody is hinting that he knows he’s not supposed to feed that “evil wolf” inside, but that seems to be the only one he’s feeding right now.
Now that he’s felt he’s lost the will to feed the right wolf and fight for what he thinks is right, he feels like he’s failed “even to God,” he’s gotten to a place where he thinks, “Well, I should just he be the devil that I think I am now.”
This isn’t the first time Kody has expressed “dark thoughts,” he’s been confessing to this since season 15, when everything started to truly unravel. Earlier this season, he admitted to having “evil thoughts” about Christine.
Will Kody leave Robyn?
He then reveals that he knows he should keep these thoughts to himself, and he doesn’t want Robyn to watch this interview because he doesn’t want her to know how dark he’s really gotten.
Nathan, who has also experienced divorce, tells Kody they have two choices: they can give up or fight to believe in redemption.
Kody then says that he has thoughts of abandoning his whole life, and the only things that seem to keep him from doing that are his two youngest kids with Robyn, who he considers to be the only two people who still love him.
He wants to change his name, disappear, and be someone else because he hates his life so much.
Robyn does know of some of Kody’s dark thoughts and is even aware that he thinks about leaving her, which would devastate her. She also feels like Kody’s not upholding his part of the marriage by questioning plural marriage. Because she is so invested in polygamy and has wanted it all her life, she feels like Kody not wanting it is a “dealbreaker” for their marriage.
Has Kody taken “the red pill”?
Robyn has been open for the past few seasons about how much her marriage to Kody has been suffering since he’s been having major problems with the other wives. Even though Robyn’s getting all of Kody’s time, that doesn’t mean that the time is pleasant.
Robyn goes into more detail, saying that Kody has become suspicious of everyone and is directing those feelings at her.
He’s also been more open this season about being part of “men’s groups” and has shared on his Instagram bio that he has “taken the red pill.”
Taking the red pill can mean many things, and many groups use this metaphor from the Matrix about opening your eyes to “the truth.” Since there are so many different perspectives and opinions in the world, there are just as many “red pills,” and many can be contradictory to each other. Most prominently, though, a lot of men’s rights movements and conspiracy theorists use the term “red pill.”
If Kody has subscribed to some of the viewpoints and ideologies exposed in these groups, he may not be very sympathetic to Robyn anymore either.
Read next: What does Kody mean by “sacred loneliness”?