My Big Friggin’ Wedding is friggin awesome: best quotes from the premiere

Those Jersey Shore producers certainly know what they’re doing. Their newest venture, VH1’s My Big Friggin’ Wedding is friggin’ awesome. It’s got all the booze and random sex as Jersey Shore but with added botox, more interesting versions of Ronnie and Sammie, and tons more Jersey moms.

We’re introduced to five couples, and the series follows them all throughout as they plan to spend countless dollars on over-the-top nuptial parties that no one will remember because they’ll be so smashed.

Below are some of the best quotes from the first episode, and followed by the whole episode.

We first meet Johnny and Megin. Like many of the couples they were both in serious relationships when they met. Megin is a more refined, pregnant version of Snooki. She talks exactly like her, and it’s charming as hell. Johnny is trying to start a meatball business and likes to go by Johnny Meatballs. He has an affinity for wine, meatballs, and techno music culture, especially the party flyers.

Megin to Johnny: “You’re like a fungus, you like grow on people.”

Megin:“I’m really stressed out because I want to drink at my wedding. So, I need to pop the kid out before my wedding.”

Wedding Planner: “You’re looking more towards a flyer, more than a nice, formal classy invitation?”

Johnny: “That’s a classy flyer.”

Next we have Tyler & Alyssa, who are living the high-life and definitely enjoy indulging in The Sauce, but not as much as Alyssa’s mom and former step-dad. They met at a keg party and have a little girl, Lilia. In the premiere episode we find out that Tyler shaves his balls.

Alyssa: “I’m going to f*cking rock this wedding Jersey Style. South Jersey style.”

A tipsy Alyssa: “People always want to judge me. They see me out, I have this daughter who’s three-years-old, but the fact is I’m rockin’ Juicy Couture stroller, I have a Louis Vuitton bag, I drive a Benz, I have a big-ass house. We’re doin’ it grand, we’re gonna have the biggest f*ckin’ wedding you’ve ever seen, and you’re gonna be jealous.”

Tyler: “I’m excited about the wedding itself because of the wild party after.”

Sandra and Joey are a couple of competitive tanorexics who are planning for their wedding like it’s the marital Olympics. Actually, that’s how Sandra felt in the beginning, but she’s starting to get over that. She’s also over her job, which she quits in the second episode.

Sandra: “A New York wedding is a big, fat competition. You’re always trying to outdo everybody else. (to Joey) Can you shut up? I’m on friggin’ camera.”

Joey, who’s on the phone: “This is about the party.”

Sandra:”F**k the party.”

Joey: “Prep for the wedding is basically just doing a lot of tanning.”

Sandra: “Before, planning the wedding, it was so exciting. But now it’s like “Who gives a shit?”

Danny and Tammie maybe my favorite. Danny is Haitian and logical, Tammie is a loud, over-the-top Jersey Girl hairdresser who gets a little too distracted by bling, flowers, and botox. You can just look at Tammie and feel your bank account being drained, which is why Danny is trying to get her to sign a prenup.

Tammie, right before she gets secret botox: “I’m gonna look young forever. Starting now.”

Tammie: “When that ring went on my finger, something took over me and I started planning the wedding right away.”

Tammie: “I’m having my seamstress make [my dress] tight enough to see the booty, and then when I do the booty pop, it’s not hidden by a bunch of tulle.”

Tammie: “My sister got pregnant in the midst of planning the wedding. So now we have to a baby shower . . . and for me it’s kind of devastating.”

Then we have Matt and Amanda. Matt has a kind of scary Italian mom who has no patience for wisecrackin’ Amanda, except, of course, when she’s using Amanda as a pawn against her son. They get into a bit of drama in the first episode when they go to get tattoos of their wedding date on their wrists in Roman numerals. A bit of resentment flares mid-permanent marking.

Matt: “We met through a mutual “acquaintance” she was dating, and he happened to get caught up in some things. He wound up going to jail for a little while, and while he was in prison I came along and bagged her up.”

Alyssa, about Matt’s mom’s authentic Italian aluminum stove-top espresso maker: “This looks like Huckleberry Finn made this.”

Matt’s mom, shortly after the above comment: “When I die, she’s not getting’ that.”

Alyssa, about getting the wedding date tattooed on their wrists in Roman numerals: “At least there’s no way you could ever, ever forget our anniversary.”

Matt, about wedding costs, while getting the wedding tattoos: “There’s so many things I could have done with the money, but, I have to go get a drink.”(He then runs off to have a beer)

Joey, while getting his tattoo: “It’s not a hurting pain, it’s just annoying, kind of like she is.”