Halloween Comes Early – Jon & Kate Plus 8 Season 5, Episode 12 Recap: ‘Dude Ranch and Dress Up’

Jon Gosselin at the Sugar Factory in Las Vegas Sunday, August 30, 2009 - CEND1 / Flynet

Jon Gosselin at the Sugar Factory in Las Vegas Sunday, August 30, 2009 - CEND1 / Flynet

Little did I know when I turned on Jon and Kate last night that I was walking into a television nightmare. The episode lulled me in with the typical presentation of cutesy activities and family bonding, but just when I thought I had a grasp on the general plot…there was a turn. In between sweet segments of Jon doing crafts with the girls and Kate exploring the Wild West with the little boys, there were moments of gasp-worthy reactions. Let’s outline the PG-13 horror:

Kate’s atrocious I’m-trying-to-reclaim-my-childhood pink cowboy hat and pink plaid top for the interview chair. The sheer gaudiness of this ensemble will cause anyone who watches the episode to shield their eyes from the glare. Honestly folks, my eyes were starting to bleed—and not in that cool, kind-of-sexy True Blood way. Anytime the episode was featuring a moving moment with Kate there was an immediate cut to the atrocity. It’s hard to stay focused on the warm fuzzies induced by little children in cute cowboy hats when you’re trying not to claw your eyes out.

Kate Gosselin as Barbie Oakley

Kate Gosselin as Barbie Oakley

Almost-maybe animal abuse. I know PETA’s been concerned with Jon and Kate’s shenanigans in the past after their addition of the two German Shepherds to the household, but this was even a little uncomfortable for a self-professed meat-eater like myself. The typical dude ranch animals were fine—the kids were great with the horses, especially considering Hannah’s meltdown at the last horse riding experience. Heck, even Kate turned out to be something of an accomplished horsewoman. The real concern here? The ranch’s cats. It’s impossible to know what kind of sedative they were using on the animals, but there must have been something: the little boys were pulling legs and toting in cowboy hats like no one’s business. Kate even felt the need to make a disclaimer that no animals were injured in the making of the episode, though she admits they did come dangerously close.

Gross factor. One minute the little boys are in a mountain lion cave picking up the remains of God only knows what. The next, Kate’s feeding them chicken feet. When Kate started talking about the toenails…well. That’s right—Jon and Kate have branched into the Fear Factor branch of entertainment. Did I mention the poop level? Lovely close-up shots of nice, green horse poop. Yum. Quality stuff.

Guns. Lots of Guns. Did you think Kate was kidding, Jon? Well, she’s sending you a message. The lady proved she knows her way around a Colt 45 in this episode. She’s racking up the artillery—battleships and cowboys. What’ve you got on your side Jon? Oh yeah, Michael Lohan.

The BLOB. Did you ever wonder how Jon keeps attracting those 20-somethings? Well, it’s definitely not through his looks. The man has packed on some serious poundage in this episode. To add insult to injury, he puts a hot pink dress on over it while playing with the girls at home—when your 5-year-old children start petting your belly, joking about pregnancy, and calling you fat…well, you might have a problem.

Don’t get me wrong—there were some exceptionally touching moments in this episode with Kate talking about her boys growing up during the trip and Jon actually showing us glimpses of his non-douchey side. Despite these token glimpses of sweetness, however, this episode verges on a trip to the Twilight Zone, wooing us in with visits to the dentist and cute scavenger hunts, then packing a punch with some pretty scary stuff.

~ Billie BP

Miss out on the fun? Watch the entire episode online HERE!

Subscribe to Starcasm by Email