OK, guys. Before we get to the numbers for this episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, you should know there is one number that was impossible to quantify: the amount of times I changed my mind deciding whether or not I like Carlton Gebbia. Was anyone else just as confused? While you ponder that, a quick run-down of tonight’s ep:
1: Number of instances of title envy I had during this episode: Current Queen of the Universe?! Go, pageant queen Yvette! If Joyce Giraud has the power to bestow this title, I think it’s best we all stay on her good side.
2: Number of bags Joyce had when she moved to Los Angeles. She also had a dream, which I’m guessing qualified as a carry-on. By the way, the current rate at Beverly Wilshire Hotel (a reservation at which is one of the precious few things Joyce had when she bravely chased her dream): $505/night. And that’s on a weekday.
1: Number of nannies we met this episode. Elizy, who takes care of Carlton’s son and is described by her employer as “Tinkerbell on crack.” Only time will tell. If that’s true, Elizy will have her own show in no time at all. For now, she just seems to be under some kind of spell that’s made her in love with Carlton.
100: Approximate number of combined calories in the meals Yolanda Foster and Gigi ate while discussing Gigi’s imminent move to New York for college and Yolanda’s Lyme Disease *tear*. Can we move on to lighter subjects, please? Like Brandi Glanville’s breakup with the annoying real estate agent?
.5: Approximate number of seconds it took Brandi’s breakup to go from civil and mature to nasty and awkward and back again. A recap:
Brandi: You’re great!
JR: You’re great too!
Brandi: But I think it’s over.
Brandi: Because you went to Texas on a couples trip as a single guy while we were dating, which of course triggers my trust issues and you don’t just, like, do that all of a sudden without planning, like call me and be like, “Oh by the way I’m on a plane.” That was a big deal for me!
Brandi: I think we’re done here!
Brandi: But you’re driving me home, right?
2: Number of times Carlton has genuinely smiled all season. Too bad one of them was when she was talking about tongue-kissing her son.
12: Approximate age Cross will be when he will appreciates his mom’s strange desire to surround him with beautiful women.
1: Number of new careers Kim Richards might have: movie-trailer narrator! She really made the idea of Carlton’s creepy dolls taking over the house while the humans sleep come alive.
2: Number of faces Brandi wore during the Great Lisa Vanderpump Fainting Debate of 2013.
1: Number of answers I have for Kyle in regard to why she was getting the blame for starting a conversation about Lisa. And it is: Because you said, “Let’s talk about Lisa on Dancing With the Stars!”
1: Number of times I sided with Kyle this episode (and probably since season 1): What is the big deal about asking Carlton if she’s practiced witchcraft? She’s obviously into it. She has “witches’ balls” in the yard. A big dining room that echos everyone’s speech. A confessional booth at the bar. (OK, that’s not witchcrafty, that’s just a bad—or possibly brilliant—idea). Why isn’t this question fair game?
100: Approximate width measurement, in feet, of Carlton’s mattress.
0: Number of sympathy votes Kyle got tonight when she teared up over rumors about Maurico cheating on her.
That is it for this week, RHOBH fans. Were you satisfied with the drama level on this episode? Would it have been better if Carlton freaked out on Brandi for saying the C word? Or if Carlton went back to practicing dark arts just to stick it to Kyle? If Kyle heard Yolanda say (awesomely), “I’m not waiting for Kyle Richards to like me.”? Next week: More catfights, and Joyce gets her period. Don’t miss it.