The Best Florida Crime Stories of 2015 (so far)

 

We’re halfway through the year, which means we’re also halfway through the annual harvest of crazy Florida crime stories! So far, 2015’s provided a pretty solid crop. Here are the top five Florida crime stories of the year–so far. Click each headline to see the full story!

 

 

5. Florida woman stops traffic to masturbate naked atop a stranger’s car

Amie Carter, 31, of Orlando, gave bystanders more than they expected and police a lot more than they bargained for when she ingested “a heavy unknown substance,” stripped down to her birthday suit, and took to the sidewalks of her city. She then threw a tantrum atop a Lexus, stomping on its hood and causing $1,500 in damage, before plopping down upon it and masturbating while officers tried to subdue her.

This one has so many elements classic to Florida crime stories: public intoxication; nudity; a brawl with police. And a bewildered mug shot to boot!

 

 

4. Florida man arrested after trying to cash $368 billion check

All Jeff Waters ever wanted was to open the best Italian restaurant “in the Earth.” So he, quite simply, took his check for $368 billion dollars and went to Bank of America to cash it. When police asked him where he got the check, Waters explained that he bought it for $100 from a homeless man named Tito. Waters further explained that the check was blank when he bought it, and, according to Tito, he could simply fill it out for any amount.

Jeff Waters’ pecular, yet simple tale has been one of the most popular Florida crime stories of the year. And, as far as mug shot of the year goes, he’s the front runner by a mile.

 

 

3. VIDEO Rob Venomous removes son’s tooth with Camaro SS

How does a dad from Florida with the professional wrestling name of Rob Venomous go about trying to yank out his son’s loose tooth? Why, he ties that dangling chomper to his Camaro SS, which features a vanity license plate that reads “BALLSS2,” and attempts the extraction with good old-fashioned horsepower, of course. What could go wrong?

This is one of the most Florida things to ever Florida. It’s a miracle the kid’s head didn’t come off. (Also, spoiler alert: the kid’s head didn’t come off.)

 

 

2. MUG SHOT Florida woman arrested for breastfeeding while driving drunk

Police pulled Cateria Thomas over for an expired tag and an unrestrained child on her lap. The reason she had an unrestrained child? It was too hard for the two-month-old to breast feed from its car seat while Thomas drove the vehicle. Nor was the infant the only child in the car…

Cateria Thomas inspired more outrage than probably any other Florida story this year. The inexplicable open gas can sitting on the passenger seat of the car didn’t help. But the amount of outrage people felt toward this woman paled toward the confusion everyone feels about the peak Florida crime story of 2015:

 

 

1. MUG SHOT Florida woman took selfies during sex with pit bull

Without question, this is most popular, confusing, Florida-est of Florida stories of 2015. Miller’s rationale is almost impossibly strange. In fact, “Miller’s Rationale” should be the name for any proposition that’s intended to be sensible but that’s rooted in a true sinkhole of logic.

 

Did we miss any good ones? Any honorable mentions? Which do you think is the best Florida crime story of the still-young year?

 

(Photo credit: Beach via Flickr)