VIDEO Teen Mom’s Amber Portwood breaks down over Leah’s fear of abandonment

A sneak peek video for MTV’s upcoming Being Amber special shows Teen Mom‘s Amber Portwood breaking down while thinking about what she missed in daughter Leah’s life and how the little girl is coping with her mother’s return from prison.

“Last night when we were going to sleep and she said ‘Are you going to be here when I wake up?,'” Amber tearfully said in the exclusive clip for Us Weekly.

Overwhelmed, Amber went to her bedroom. Behind the closed door, Amber told a Teen Mom producer, “I feel so f**king bad. I left her for so long and I just don’t f**king want her to feel that way. I know why she’s acting the way she is. She’s afraid that I’m gonna f**king leave her again. I just f**king hate everything I did. It was all the drugs and s**t. It was all I did. All I did was get f**ked up.”

Although being absent from Leah’s life for more than a year clearly weighs on Amber’s mind, she should take comfort in knowing the experience ultimately made her a better mother: She admitted that she “never thought about Leah” before prison.

Before her on-camera breakdown, Amber told her grandfather it was a bad idea to transition from prison straight into filming an MTV special. (Film crews were present when Amber walked out of the prison.)

“It’s a lot to handle… I think I should have got used to being home a bit before I started filming,” Amber said. “When I was in there, I tried not to think about anything out here… It was out of sight, out of mind.”

For more about Amber’s life, including where her relationship stands with ex-fiancé Gary Shirley, tune into Being Amber on Feb. 23 at 10/9c.