Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s top 10 Golden Globes jokes
From their opening monologues to their (too few) appearances throughout the night, Golden Globes hosts Tina Fey and Amy Poehler consistently landed laughs with the audience.
Tina and Amy’s biggest spotlight moment came right off the bat when they delivered highly entertaining jabs at the year’s biggest nominees. Although the names mentioned were predictable, the jokes certainly weren’t… Who else would rib Tom Hanks about wearing a prosthetic penis in Saving Mr. Banks? (He didn’t really, for the record.)
Based on social media reactions, that joke was one of the night’s flops. Fortunately, there were many other laughs to keep people amused throughout the long show. Here are my picks — in no particular order — for Tina and Amy’s top 10 jokes.
Amy: “Woody Allen is the recipient of this year’s Cecil B. DeMille Award, just a few years after Martin Scorsese won it. I assume the award is for tiniest man who wears glasses.”
Amy: “Many of our SNL friends did great work this year. Will Forte, Andy Samberg. You might know Andy from his hit song, ‘I’m on a Boat.’ Which this year was adapted into the Tom Hanks film Captain Phillips.”
Tina: “Matthew McConaughey did amazing work this year. For his role in Dallas Buyers Club, he lost 45 pounds. Or what actresses call being in a movie.”
Tina: “Amy Poehler is nominated for her work on Parks and Recreation.”
Amy: “I believe Amy is here tonight. Can we get a shot of her?”
Tina: “She looks fantastic!”
Amy: “She looks amazing! Wow, radiant! It is hard to believe she’s a 42-year-old mother of two!”
Tina: “Our friend Julia Louis-Dreyfus has two nominations tonight! One for Veep and her first film nomination, for Enough Said.”
Amy: “Interestingly, Julia has chosen to sit in the film section tonight.”
Both: “Hi, Julia! Hi Julia! You know us from TV.
Amy: “Gosh, she has really changed.”
Tina: “She’s gross.”
Tina: “Gravity is nominated for Best Film. It’s the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die then to spend one more minute with a woman his own age.”
Amy: “The Wolf of Wall Street is another nominee tonight. I really loved the film, but some of it was too graphic. I mean, if I wanted to see Jonah Hill masturbate at a pool party, I’d go to one of Jonah Hill’s pool parties.”
Tina: “In the name of gender equality this year, please welcome Mr. Golden Globe, my adult son from a previous relationship, Randy.”
After Amy stomps onto the stage as “Randy”: “I don’t want to do this! It’s so stupid!”
Tina: “Introduce yourself to (Miss Golden Globe) Sosie.”
Amy to Sosie: “Your name is Sochi? How can a person be the Olympics?”
Tina: “Do you want to go live with your father?”
Amy: “I can’t! You won’t tell me who he is.”
Tina: “Well, he’s here tonight, so look around!”
Tina, talking about Her: “It takes place in the not-so-distant future, which is perfect, because so does Joaquin Phoenix.”
Amy: “Masters of Sex is the degree I got from Boston College.”
What did you think of Tina and Amy’s performances during the 71st Annual Golden Globes? Should the Hollywood Foreign Press Association invite them back for a third year of hosting?
