Tila Tequila launches GoFundMe so she can ‘upgrade to TARGET where all the rich, nice, white people shop’

Tila Tequila is embracing her headline-grabbing persona as a more-than-slightly crazy time-traveling Flat Earther from another dimension–and, now, she is trying to convert her cuckoo into cold cash with a crowd funding campaign to help cover the cost of moving and buying new furniture.

To try to post excerpts would be an absolute insult to this artist of the absurd, so I will present Tila’s request for financial assistance in its entirety. I will lead off with the fundraising campaign’s initial description, which is tee-totally off the rails:

Hello Flat-Earther’s!

I have been defeated by the Government and their bio-weapon attacks against me for the past few years ever since I got assassinated, and killed in 2012 then was replaced with a clone! Right now I fear for my baby’s life so I am tired of shopping at Wal-mart, and would like to upgrade to TARGET where all the rich, nice, white people shop. My daughter and I would feel really safe there, but we need your help! I am also moving into a different house where there is a lot of white people in the area so I know they won’t kill us! I am a struggling single mother after all, and I just want to make sure my baby has proper blankets, and warm winter clothes and hot food on the table. This would not only help her recieve that, but it would also help me give up Moutain Dew that I sometimes buy at Wal-Mart on Saturdays, and we alll know that causes brain damage and tooth decay!!!! Please, world, if you have a soul left in ya you would help us achieve this! WITH THE POWER OF MY MIND TRANSFERRED TO YOURS YOU ARE NOW COMPELLED TO HELP MY POOR LITTLE BABY, AND I! Once we reach this goal I will give everyone a virtual tour of our new home!!!! Thank you so much grom the Galactic Federation Super Council of 9 and Tila Tequila.

Peace in the Middle East,
Tila Tequila and Mother of 1 to Isabella Monroe Nguyen, No father.

ps- PLEASE SHARE THIS SO THE WORLD CAN JOIN IN ON THIS MASS AWAKENING!

Tila’s original campaign was shut down, but she was allowed to restart it after explaining that it wasn’t a joke. In her second description, Tila tones down the lunacy just a bit:

Hello Everyone!

I had a previous GoFundMe account, but it got taken down because I guess I was trying to be funny to make people laugh, but then people thought I was joking so they reported me, and had my account suspended. HOWEVER, they gave me another chance to re-write the reasons why I am asking for help.

The reason why I am creating this GoFundMe campaign is because they have raised the rent at my old home to $4,500 a month, and being a single mother without any support from the father, it can sometimes be very tough taking care of 2 people with only a 1 person income.

So right now I need to raise some money so that I can move into my new home and get it furnished for my daughter and I. The last apt I was at came fully furnished and that’s why it was so expensive, but I’d rather save money for my daughter than keep wasting money each month like that. So I basically need to buy all the furniture and beddings from scratch to start over if we are to move. It is going to cost a lot to start off, and that is why I am asking you all for your help!

I have zero pride or ego when it comes to taking care of my daughter because this is what real good mother’s do. We sacrifice for our children and would take care of them by any means possible. Even if that means being a celebrity, and creating a GoFundMe campaign to get hep from my fans. Most people would be so ashamed or embarrassed, but I’m not. This is for my daughter so we won’t be homeless and she won’t starve. It’s not easy raising a child alone, but I am doing the best that I can to give her the world, and beyond! Thank you so much for listening, and thank you so much for your help!

As soon as we hit this goal I will give everyone a live tour of our new home and the beautiful furniture and beddings! May the Lord bless you beautiful people!

Love Always,
Tila Tequila Mother of Isabella Monroe Nguyen

At the time of this post, Tila had raised $790 of her $5,000 goal. I was going to donate to the cause, but then I realized that I’m still a chump who shops at Wal-Mart, and I’m going to use that money to start shopping at Target instead. But don’t worry, Tila! Once I have my $4,500-a-month apartment completely furnished, you are at the top of my charitable donations list!