Gretchen Rossi is a singer now, releases single “Nothing Without You” for Jeff Bietzel

Gretchen Rossi has miserably failed to walk in Kim Zolciak’s fabulous glitter heels by recording a syrupy single, “Nothing Without You,” and quietly releasing it on amazon. Rossi’s song isn’t going to make any itunes hits, or have drunk drag queens dance to it in the club for many reasons. The first reason is that the song is infused with faux sentiment, and completely unmemorable. However, proceeds will go to Leukemia and Lymphoma Society (LLS) and the Jeff Beitzel Foundation, so if you dig this kind of thing, purchasing it would actually help others. Gretchen co-wrote this song with Michelle Featherstone and the song was inspired by her relationship with Jeff Beitzel, who passed away September 2008 from leukemia.

The second reason this song isn’t going to make it is that Gretchen, who knows how to work a photog in a pumpkin patch, didn’t generate enough hype. She didn’t mention the song on the season yet, she’s not posting it on her MySpace, or hosting club parties so she can sing it. If you’re a reality star, don’t expect your recording career to go anywhere unless you can perform it while working a pole, even LuAnn deLesseps knows that.

The truth is that Gretchen should have been taking copious notes from Kim Zolciak, or even hired her as a consultant if she’s really serious about this Housewives singing career.

Kim Zolciak’s not a singer, but she managed to record a fairly successful single (“Tardy for the Party”) that rocked the itunes charts and helped solidify her position as a campy pop culture guilty pleasure. The single’s success as a song is solely because of Kandi Burruss’ songwriting and producing skills, but to be fair Kim has made the most of the almost dubious opportunity of her singing career. This past year Kim promoted the song almost as often as she takes a sip of wine or a drag on her menthol. Actually, most of the time she does all three at once. Kim worked with Bravo’s producers to make the song her main storyline, and takes every opportunity to sing the song on TV and in public despite the fact that she can’t hit a note with if it was a teeball and she had a giant foam bat. Through sheer force of will Kim has gone from a laughingstock from last season to lovable offkey tits in a wig and tarantula lashes. There is a difference, and maybe it’s just that we found out Kim might not always be in on the joke, but she can take one. Some people will always dislike Kim, but she’s okay in starcasm’s book.

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