Stormy Daniels is ready to spill the tea (among other fluids)

Stormy Daniels’ dress is about to surpass Monica Lewinsky’s as the most talked-about article of clothing in modern American political history. The former adult actress extended her saga with now-President Donald Trump this week by claiming she’s still got the dress she wore during her brief fling with Trump, which she’s going to get tested for his DNA.

The Blast was the first to report that Daniels — whose Lake Tahoe affair with Trump is back in the news thanks to a complicated string of nonsense we’ll get to below — is having the dress she wore during that affair combed for Trump’s hair and wet vaccuumed for his semen in order to validate her story. (They’ve also got a photo of the dress, which is golden, has a plunging neckline, and features no visible stains.)

If you’re not grossed out yet, consider the strange possibility that Stormy Daniels’ dress has been sitting in a closet, unlaundered, since she floundered about in a hotel bed with Donald Trump twelve years ago. The stains on Monica Lewinsky’s dress were a year and a half old, but Linda Tripp warned her not to dry clean it. Maybe Stormy learned from Lewinsky’s saga and set the garment aside in the event of an alternate universe-level scenario of weirdness exactly like the one now playing out.

Daniels managed to touch off yet another crisis for the Trump White House last month, after coming forward to say she had an affair with Trump in 2006, shortly after his son Barron was born. (The report apparently blindsided Melania Trump, and led to the still-swirling Trump divorce rumors.)

In Touch, which at the time conducted a 5,000-word interview with Daniels, gave credence to Daniels’ story by publishing that interview in full. But Michael Cohen, Trump’s attorney, pulled out the old nondisclosure agreement defense, reminding Daniels — via public statement — that even acknowledging she’d been paid $130,000 by any Trump-related entity would be a violation of that NDA, since the agreement apparently forbade her from admitting she’d had any connection with Trump at all.

Which led to a really anti-climactic and awkward interview on Jimmy Kimmel:

And, for a minute, the story died down. But since the six-figure payment to Daniels appeared to have come from Trump’s campaign funds — which, believe it or not, would have been illegal — Cohen had to again come forward and say he had actually paid Daniels the money out of his own pocket, so, no big deal.

However, because Cohen has since acknowledged making a payment to Daniels, Daniels’ manager Gina Rodriguez says the NDA is officially void. Which means Stormy is free to shop her story to the highest bidder. Rodriguez told the Associated Press “Everything is off now, and Stormy is going to tell her story,” adding she’ll soon announce which outlet won the right to even more details about Donald Trump’s sexual habits that nobody really wants to know anything about but that everyone will read and discuss anyway.

But Stormy Daniels is already on record telling In Touch she can “describe [Trump’s] junk perfectly,” so it’s unclear how much more detailed her story can get. Even if she could somehow get Trump to stand for a penis lineup, he’s impervious to both guilt and shame: a man who’s denied every one of the twenty-five different charges of sexual impropriety leveled against him is never going to admit he did something wrong.

What we should all be even more interested in is the process by which the lab somehow manages to get a sample of Trump’s DNA to compare to whatever residual crust is still clinging to Stormy Daniels’ dress. Because Trump will never give that up voluntarily. And you can’t just pluck a stray hair off his head during a handshake on the receiving line, since we now know for sure it’s not his hair. Do you jab him with a syringe and hope you can draw blood before the Secret Service closes in? Try to scrape his shoulders for dead skin cells? How do you steal the President’s genetic material without anyone knowing? This is a Christopher Nolan problem if ever one was.

(Photo credits: Stormy Daniels’ dress via Barry Brown / Splash News)

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