So I just want to reiterate how terrifying this moment is because there’s something very insidious about, “is he standing down there? Is he hiding under the car? Am I going to get a tap on the shoulder?” You immediately – because I’m motivated
by nothing but guilt. If you know anything about me, I am just a towering mass of Lutheran Midwestern guilt. (laughter and applause)
Thank you. So I get to the office and I say to myself, “I hate doing things like this but maybe I’ll call my attorney.” So I call my attorney and he takes a look at it and he says, “Well let’s schedule a meeting with the guy just to see what he has in mind.” So, there’s a meeting with the guy and it turns out yes, in fact, he wants a large sum of money or he’s going to produce this screenplay of all the terrible things that I do – embarrassing, terrible things. (laughter)
At that point my attorney and I say, “Wow, this really is hinky.” (laughter) So then we call an operation called the Special Prosecution Bureau, which is a division of the Manhattan District Attorney’s office. We call down there and we say, “Can we run a couple things by you guys?”
So we took the stuff down there and they said, “Whoah! Hello! This is blackmail. (laughter and applause) They said, “What you want to do is get another meeting with this guy and find out if he’s serious,” because you know we all have a bad day and stuff like this (laughter) slip through the cracks. You know, you’ve inadvertently blackmailed someone and – (laughter)
So they have the second meeting and the question was posed, “Now do you, are you aware that this is a serious – this could be a crime – you know is there -” “No, no it’s fine. I’m fine with that, and oh by the way, not only am I writing a screenplay, I’m writing a book.”
So I thought, Well that’s nice. you have a companion piece. You have the film and you have the book.” What, do you read the book first and then you go to the film? Do you watch the film and then you read the book? Do you take the book and read along at the film? (laughter) It’s all coming up roses for me now. Because remember, this guy knows creepy stuff about me.
So they had the second meeting and he was reassured that everything was just fine, and then a third meeting is arranged. If there’s a light-hearted moment in any of this – and I’m not sure there really is – the third meeting is arranged whereby he’s given the check. Now, I don’t think I ever mentioned the amount up ’til now, but he was asking two million dollars. (pause and laughter) Is that the foreigners? (reference to a joke from the monologue) (laughter and applause)
So the check is turned over. Two million dollars. And because I’m a such a bonehead. Have you ever seen like a golf tournament where they have a giant check when the guy wins it? But I couldn’t talk them into that. (laughter) So now this guy is walking around New York City with a phony check worth two million dollars and the idea is now – although he’s given no guarantees, he’s still saying, “You never know. I may just go ahead and write the book, I may just go ahead and write the screen play.” So for that guarantee he’s got a phony check for two million dollars.
This morning I did something I’ve never done in my life and it was a combination of just unusual and scary – this whole thing has been quite scary. I had to go downtown to testify before the grand jury, and I had to tell them how I was disturbed by this, how I was worried for myself, I was worried for my family, I felt menaced by this, and I had to tell them all of the creepy things that I have done that were gonna be – (laughter) Well now why is that funny? That’s – I mean. (applause)
So the idea is, if they believe in fact a crime has been committed, then they issue a warrant and that’s exactly what happened, and a little bit after noon today the guy was arrested. (applause) Now, of course, we get to “What was it? What was all the creepy stuff that he was going to put into the screenplay and the movie?” And the creepy stuff was that I have had sex with women who work for me on this show. Now, my response to that is, “Yes I have.” (laughter and applause) I have had sex with women who work on this show. And would it be embarrassing if it were made public? Perhaps it would. Perhaps it would. Especially for the women. (laughter and applause) But that’s a decision for them to make if they want to go public and talk about the relationships, if I want to go public and talk about the relationships. But what you don’t want is a guy saying, (in a funny voice) “I, I know you had sex with women so I, I, I would like two million dollars or I’m gonna make trouble for you.”
So that’s where we stand right now. I just want to thank the people at the Special Prosecutions Bureau and the Manhattan’s District Attorney’s office and Robert Morganthal who is head of that. It’s been a very bizarre experience. I feel like I need to protect these people, and certainly protect my family. I need to protect myself. I hope to protect my job and the friends and everybody that has been very supportive through this. And I don’t plan to say much more about this on this particular topic so thanks for letting me ??? (applause)
I know what you’re saying, “Well I’ll be darned. Dave’s had sex.” (laughter) That’s what the grand jury said also, “Really? You had sex?” Alright, now what do we do? I guess we do a thing. thank you again for your patience. We’ll be right back with Woody Harrelson ladies and gentlemen.