Nikkole Paulun reflects on becoming a mother again, finally growing up

Nikkole Paulun is perhaps the most famous 16 & Pregnant alum not to be featured on Teen Mom OG, 2 or 3. She has kept herself in the spotlight with a very active (and sometimes trollish) social media presence combined with headline-grabbing antics that include an arrest, sexy Skype sessions with Teen Mom 2 dad Corey Simms, trading a tattoo for free tanning bed time, and an alleged fake pregnancy and stillbirth of her son Ashton.

We’ve been there through it all, covering Nikkole’s life from her first appearance on 16 & Pregnant in February, 2010 to her recent pregnancy and the birth of her daughter Ellie on July 5, 2015. Despite Nikkole’s propensity for bad life decisions as far as boyfriends and lifestyles go, we’ve always been fans of her initiative and her insights whenever she took the time to reflect on her life.

One great example of that was her lengthy journal entry explaining everything that went on “behind the scenes” with the father of her son Lyle, Joshua Drummond. (Joshua was bad enough on screen, but things were even worse off screen!)

This weekend, Nikkole posted another lengthy reflection on her life, one year after finding out she was pregnant with her daughter Ellie. She reveals that, last Halloween, she got into a fight with her boyfriend Ryan Rice, which “escalated so badly that I was thrown into a wall and blacked out.” (Nikkole has previously talked about her abusive relationship with Ryan.)

“I went out that night to drink, to numb a pain I didn’t even really feel anymore,” Nikkole writes. “The drinks made me sick, unknowingly to me, because I was pregnant. I woke up the next morning, still sick and questioning why two small drinks would make me feel so hungover.” So she took a pregnancy test just to be sure because she planned on drinking again the following night.

The pregnancy test result was positive. “I quit everything cold turkey,” Nikkole says. “I started eating healthy. I went back to school. I got a better job. I moved to a better place. I stayed away from her dad as much as possible. That day changed my life so much and I am forever grateful.”

Here are the before and after photos Nikkole posted, along with her update:

Nikkole’s Facebook “confession” (included in its entirety below) has been shared nearly 80,000 times and currently has more than 675,000 likes. One of those likes came from Nikkole’s mother Rikki, who Nikkole says is now her best friend. Rikki’s all-caps response:

OMG THIS MADE ME CRY!!! [NIKKOLE] I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH AND THE WOMAN/MOTHER YOU HAVE BECOME!! LYLE IS SO HAPPY THAT HE HAS HIS MOMMY AGAIN AND YOU ARE THE GREATEST MOM TO ELLIE AND LYLE!!! I CAN SEE THE CHANGE IN YOU AND I COULDNT BE PROUDER BUT IM MOST PROUD OF OUR RELATIONSHIP…I NEVER THOUGHT WE WOULD EVER BE AS CLOSE AS WE ARE!!! LOVE YOU TO MARS AND BACK!!

Nikkole’s response:

Love you mom I’m so happy you’re my best friend and my mom. & sorry for putting you through all the stupid things I’ve done. I’m so lucky to have you as my mom and that you’ve been by my side for everything.. You’re the best mom and nana there is!

Here is Nikkole’s unabridged update — be sure to click here to see the original on Facebook and contribute to the snowballing growth of likes (including ours). Also, at the very bottom is Nikkole’s birth story video for her daughter Ellie, in which she describes in detail everything that happened leading up to Ellie’s birth.

Oh, before we get to the update, let me say CONGRATULATIONS NIKKOLE!!! We couldn’t be more proud. 🙂

A year ago today I found out I was pregnant. A year ago today I smoked my last cigarette. A year ago today I put down the bottle. A year ago today completely changed my life for the better even though I thought it might change it for the worse.

So many people look at me today and tell me how great of a mother I am and how I am “goals.” Currently, I can agree with these two things but that is not who I have always been. I got pregnant with my son at 15. I had never partied, never drank, never snuck out, the only “bad” thing I did was have sex. I stayed in school, had my son, and was the best mom I could be at 16.

I went back to school a week after birth, kept my grades up, was back on the cheer team, and raising my son. I began to realize all of my peers were out on the weekends, drinking and having what I thought looked like fun. I was 17 now and my son was a little over 1. My mom had always been strict but I decided to ask if I could go to a party. Shockingly I got a yes.

I went, I drank, and I loved it. It felt good to feel what I thought was “normal.” It felt good to be social and get out of the house. By 18/19 I was going out every weekend and even took a week trip to Florida for spring break. My time with friends and alcohol became greater as my time with my son became lesser. I was so focused on myself and finding out what I wanted that I neglected my son and our relationship.

20 came and I met my daughters dad. Admitting to me right away when we met, that he was an alcoholic. We clicked even though he was probably one of the worst people for me. Daily drinking, staying up till 5 am, and sleeping all day. Going days without seeing my son and not thinking twice about it. I was so lost in this “life” that I didn’t even know who I was anymore, I did not recognize the girl in the mirror. I let myself be treated like complete crap day in and day out by myself and by my boyfriend. I didn’t love myself therefore I could not love anyone else. I had no relationship with my family and rarely talked to my friends.

October 31 2014, a fight escalated so badly that I was thrown into a wall and blacked out. I knew, I couldn’t do this anymore. I went out that night to drink, to numb a pain I didn’t even really feel anymore. The drinks made me sick, unknowingly to me, because I was pregnant. I woke up the next morning, still sick and questioning why two small drinks would make me feel so hungover. The thought of pregnancy ran across my mind but I didn’t think too much of it.

As the day went on it kept popping up in my mind & I decided to buy a test JUST TO BE SURE I was NOT pregnant as I was going to be drinking again that night. I took the test so nonchalantly that I barely even paid attention. Fiddling with my phone, I noticed 2 LINES pop on the test below me. What. The. F**k. I dropped to my knees and began sobbing. I wasn’t sure what to do and honestly thought it was just a false positive. 3 tests and an ER visit later, I finally realized I was actually pregnant.

I quit everything cold turkey. I started eating healthy. I went back to school. I got a better job. I moved to a better place. I stayed away from her dad as much as possible. That day changed my life so much and I am forever grateful.

My mother is now my best friend. I have my GOOD friends back. I have a relationship with God. I respect and LOVE myself. I have not gone a day without seeing Lyle since I became pregnant with Ellie. My idea of a fun Friday night is dancing around the kitchen with my kids while baking cookies and trying to see who can make Ellie laugh the loudest. Cuddling up in bed with both of my beautiful babies and watching Space Jam over and over.

I get asked why Lyle didn’t change my life like I always say Ellie did. He did change my life, he made me a mom. But I did not know who I was or what I wanted outside of that because I was still so young and inexperienced in life. I’ve done the “party life” now and I never want to do it again. Nothing feels better that waking up to my kids and nothing feels worse than waking up hungover without them. They are my everything and I am grateful for BOTH of them.

I’ve made mistakes and I’m not perfect but I can guarantee you that I will never miss a day with my kids ever again. Thank you November 1, 2014 for changing my life for the better, actually for the BEST. Thank you God. & thank you to all of my friends and family who have stuck with me through it all and have always been there even when I didn’t deserve it.

A year ago I was a lost, scared, mindless, little girl and today I am a strong, motivated, happy WOMAN and MOTHER.

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