DLISTED – There are now eleven more R. Kelly felony charges in the still-expanding sexual assault cases against him, and the new ones are apparently the most serious yet. According to several reports, at least four of the eleven new charges carry a maximum sentence of up to 30 years in prison — so potentially up to 120 years without even considering the other seven
THE BLEMISH – Cardi B finally dropped her new single. It’s called “Press.” And apparently she was worried people wouldn’t pay attention to it? because the album cover features Cardi standing 100% naked before a throng of photographers
THE BLAST – Drake is the merriest jester in all the land now that his beloved Toronto Raptors are in the NBA Finals, but the next time you see him clowning on the sideline, remember that the black band on his left arm is covering up the tattoos he has of Steph Curry and Kevin Durant’s jersey numbers
CELEBITCHY – Big Little Lies‘ Shailene Woodley does indeed give “bonkers interviews” (here, “bonkers” pretty much just means “unusual for a big celebrity”); in her latest, she says she loves sex but doesn’t trust anyone; talks about how her father’s poverty affected her own childhood; and worries about people thinking she’s just another celebrity pseudo-hippie
VOX – This is the best question I’ve seen anyone ask of a CGI-heavy summer blockbuster in a long time: “Godzilla: King of the Monsters has lots of fighting monsters. Why did it bother with humans?”
THE ASHLEY’S REALITY ROUNDUP – Jersey Shore star Snooki just gave birth to her third child with husband Jionni LaValle, congrats! Their new son’s name is Angelo James LaValle, he weighed seven pounds eight ounces at birth, and he and his mother are doing fine. And there is a gosh darn adorable baby pic, too
LAINEY GOSSIP – Evidently Robert Pattinson is not 100% locked in as the next Batman; he still has to do a screen test against Nicholas Hoult. It seems the producers of the next Batman movie decided to reconsider Pattinson after they saw the reaction to news he’d gotten the gig. Keep your glitter Batman jokes under a hot lamp until further notice
REALITY TEA – RHOP star Candiace Dillard is calling Gizelle Bryant out for not being “the best friend to Karen [Huger],” but isn’t it kind of Gizelle’s thing to not act like anyone’s best friend?
GO FUG YOURSELF – The stars of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt are making the rounds at Emmy consideration parties to try and send the show out with a bang come awards season. Jane Krakowski in particular looks stunning and mod and not at all like her character (which will maybe help the show’s chances?)
JEZEBEL – It seems LaCroix’s sales are falling faster than if they’d hired R. Kelly to endorse them and the brand may not be long for this world. Pour one out
(Photo credits: More R. Kelly felony charges via SplashNews.com)
John Sharp is Starcasm’s chief editorial correspondent-at-large. Tips: E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org or Twitter @john_starcasm.