AUDIO & QUOTES Farrah Abraham on Shane Dawson and Friends podcast

Farrah Abraham continues to make the promotional rounds in the run up to her triumphant return to Teen Mom OG on Monday night’s episode, and this week she appeared on the Shane and Friends podcast with host (and Farrah Abraham superfan) Shane Dawson to talk about what fans can expect from her on the show, her co-stars, her sex toys, her other upcoming shows, and lots, LOTS more.

Let me first point out that this is actually the second time Shane and Farrah have crossed paths. Farrah previously appeared on the Youtube show starring Shane’s alter ego Shananay in a very memorable, very awkward interview in 2012. Since that time, Shane has become one of Farrah’s biggest fans and for the past two years his very popular podcast has included a “Farrah Abraham Time” segment during every episode.

In the beginning of the podcast, prior to Farrah’s arrival, Shane excitedly talks to his co-host Jessie Buttafuoco about the episode, explaining that Farrah is the first ever guest they paid to appear on the show. He reveals that Farrah received $2,000 for the one-hour appearance, then he jokes that the rate seems to continue to go up as her manager tacks on expenses for Uber, agency fees, manager fees, Kinko’s, and Staples. He says sort of jokingly that he wanted to launch a Kickstarter campaign to fund Farrah’s appearance, but that there just wasn’t enough time.

IT'S FARRAH ABRAHAM TIME!! Hear the CRAZY new podcast with @F1abraham & @JessButtafuoco now! https://t.co/4byMtIUN0g pic.twitter.com/Kx0kdPbSjJ

— Shane Dawson (@shanedawson) April 17, 2015

Shane says that he was told by Farrah’s manager that there is to be “no talk about sex or any crazy sex stuff.” He laughs and points out, “The reason she is on the show is because she retweeted a video of me putting a Coke bottle inside of her fake p***y.”

The podcaster goes way out on a limb by revealing that he believes Farrah Abraham is actually a genius. He explains that she is doing exactly what Paris Hilton did, except Farrah is doing a parody of what Paris Hilton did. (I think I agree with Shane to the extent that Farrah’s rise to fame is pretty much a parody of other, similar ascensions into celebridom, but I think we may differ on whether or not the parody aspect has been completely intentional.)

Farrah arrives in the studio at right around the 15:40 mark in the podcast, at which point things start to get just as jaw-droppingly amazing as you would expect. To Farrah’s credit, some of the most shocking things are said by Shane, who is obviously not a fan of Farrah’s co-stars. Anyways, here is the full podcast followed by quotes of some of the highlights:

Shane talks early on about doing his book tour for I Hate Myselfie: A Collection of Essays and how lots of his fans that turned out were wearing Farrah Abraham shirts with a “Farrah is my Queen” button.

SHANE: You have this cult status now, and you have no idea!

FARRAH: Well, I don’t. I don’t think I’m big into cults. That’s why.

Shane could have dropped the podcast microphone right then and just said “Peace. I’m out.” But, he continued.

Soon, the subject of Teen Mom comes up. (I should warn you that Shane’s opinion of Farrah’s co-stars is VERY negative and some of the things he says, as well as his co-host Jessie, are insensitive and deplorable.)

SHANE: We’ll get into that because I hate all those Teen Mom girls…I do love the one who punched her husband’s head into the wall.

FARRAH: Me too! A little violent!

JESSIE: Is that the big one?

SHANE: The bulldog b!tch. It was everything!

FARRAH: Amber. Amber Portwood.

JESSIE: Yeah. She’s the big one.

FARRAH: Oh she’s much littler. You know what? It’s me, Amber, and then everybody else is bigger than us now.

SHANE: Can we not sidetrack from the shade you just threw?

FARRAH: Everybody loves Weight Watchers. Let’s just be careful.

The conversation shifts to Farrah being invited to appear on Teen Mom OG after MTV originally told her they did not want to include her.

FARRAH: Well, like the executives who had to call and say, ‘We’re soo sorry for letting you go. How funny is this? We had to ask you to come back.’ Well then they had to kind of show that they made the wrong choice at first.

SHANE: How does that feel?

FARRAH: How does it feel? I rejoice every day.

SHANE: So when they first called you, did you first say no because you wanted them to, like, squirm?

FARRAH: No, because they already, like, seriously apologized because they know with me I don’t take bullsh!t when it’s at a serious level. Because when they initially called, before anyone knew I wasn’t back, they initially called and said, ‘Hey, we’re going to be moving forward without you.’ And they wanted, like, some dramatic cry ass reaction from me, and I’m not that type of a person. I’m pretty much, like, been through so much sh!t I wish you all the best and I’m gonna still throw a premiere party, and still enjoy it. Which I did! When Teen Mom OG came out, I still had a party at my house, and, like, I was fine. And I think life’s great.

SHANE: So do you have to be around those other chickens?

FARRAH: Yes.

SHANE: How do you deal with that because I just…did this show where I directed a movie and then watched the process and one of the producers, who is a celebrity guy, is the worst — hates me, publicly talks about how he hates me. And then now I still have to see him at sh!t like Comic-Con.

FARRAH: You know, but that is what entertainment is about. I think that is the industry and that’s what I’m OK with.

SHANE: You have to deal with it. How do you deal with it?

FARRAH: Sh!t, I don’t even deal with it! I just have lived amongst it and they can all eat my sh!t…You know what? I would take a sh!t and send it in a box and put it on that guy’s door.

JESSIE: Would you light it on fire?

FARRAH: Well then the box would decombust. [Yes, I typed that correctly.]

SHANE: So you’re dealing with all these chickens, so you had to go to the MTV Movie Awards and all those chickens are around you. [photo above] All the hens are crackin’ – all the hens are cackin’. And you look — I’m going to be honest, I said this on Twitter. All the kids were sending me pictures of you and your dress and they’re all, like, ‘What do you think? What do you think? What do you think?’ because they all want to hear what I think about you. And I was, like, ‘I think she looks f***ing great!’ I thought you looked GREAT!

FARRAH: I thought I looked amazing.

SHANE: And then I saw the other chickens and they were dressed like they were going to f***ing —

JESSIE: The movies!

SHANE: The movies! Not even! F***ing Costco on a Sunday!

JESSIE: Like, that’s cute you’re wearing your MC Hammer pants, but girl!

SHANE: So how do you deal when you’re surrounded by these girls and now everybody puts you in that category? Do you just feel like you shine so you don’t care?

FARRAH: I shine so I don’t care. And honestly, though, I think with everyone who is successful and who does work hard, I think that speaks for itself. So I could be around a bunch of all the things I’ve been around and I still do what I want.

SHANE: They’re scared of you though, right?

FARRAH: Yeah. They end up apologizing for some nasty sh!t that they say about me. F*** ’em!

SHANE: No, they’re scared of you, right, and that’s the best part because they’re more scared because you don’t acknowledge their presence. You’re just, like, ‘Mmmm hmm. It is what it is.” And then you just walk by them. And then they’re, like, ‘Oh f***, oh f***! Oh she hates me! Oh, she hates me!’ because they’re self conscious.

FARRAH: I think maybe that’s what it is. I think you say it better for them because I don’t even take the time to understand it any more, just because I love how people can act like they can make money and provide for their families when really I’ve made the way for them. And I think that’s why.

SHANE: Nobody would know what the f*** Teen Mom is, unless it was you. I never watched 16 and Pregnant except for your episode. I didn’t know what the f*** that show was. And by the way, most of those b!tches were not 16! They were, like, 23 with road marks on their face. And they’re like, ‘Oh, I’m a 16-year-old girl.” Shut up! Shut up.

SHANE: So you’re on Teen Mom OG. Give us, like, a taste. What is it?…

FARRAH: So, they kind of merged, like, The Housewives show with the Teen Mom show because we’re getting older. And I guess some of the Teen Moms are trying to be housewives, but it doesn’t really work out because they’re husbands aren’t successful, you know?

SHANE: So it’s like The Real Housewives except for none of them are real and none of them have successful husbands?

JESSIE: Are they even married?

SHANE: Are they married?

FARRAH: You know what? Good f***ing point! I give them too much credit. They are not even married.

SHANE: Wait, the one with the wh*gger boyfriend, is he still around? Remember him?

[It’s determined Shane is talking about Catelynn and Tyler.]

SHANE: Catelynn. Is she still with wh*ggery?

FARRAH: Yes.

JESSIE: They just had another baby!

FARRAH: Oh, OK, they did. And they did keep it. Not an adoption this time. Well you know what? We were coming back and, well, what are we going to come back to if no one’s getting pregnant again?…

SHANE: And then who else is on there?

FARRAH: And then you have Maci, who is pregnant right now. She’s been pregnant this whole season and still pregnant right now. The pregnancies — I don’t even know if they’re real babies because no one’s popping out babies! They’re just continually pregnant!

Farrah is asked what she is working on and what fans can expect to see coming up. She says she is going to be on two upcoming shows, one of which is on E!, which I assume is in reference to her reported appearance on the upcoming season of Botched. As far as the other one:

FARRAH: I’m just going to have to let you guess on this because it’s so not OK for me to talk about it. It’s going to be one of the biggest UK shows.

SHANE: No! Oh my God! No!?!

Shane then tries to find out if it is Big Brother UK that Farrah is talking about, but the effort is lost on Farrah (and Jessie for that matter):

SHANE: I have a big brother named Jared…He is my favorite big brother, I watch him every summer.

JESSIE: Are we talking about Subway?

FARRAH: Is he on — he’s Subway! Subway, eat fresh. No, Froco’s not like Subway, but…

SHANE: Well, if you were to drop your boyfriend and get with my my brother Jared then technically you would be on my “big brother.” Is that how that works?

FARRAH: I’m not getting on your big brother!

SHANE: You’re not?

FARRAH: I have a boyfriend! I don’t know what’s twisted, incestual sh!t this is…

SHANE: I don’t think she’s catching it. Nevermind…I was trying to guess. Big Brother UK. That’s my favorite show of all time.

FARRAH: No. I mean, I would think something bigger than that.

SHANE: What’s bigger than that?

FARRAH: I don’t know. Maybe its something new that you just haven’t heard of that’s bigger.

Farrah is asked about her relationship with her mother Debra Danielsen.

FARRAH: Thanks to Dr. Jenn my mom and my relationship has gotten much better and I think when everyone gets to watch Teen Mom OG, they’ll see, like, wow! I’m actually proud of Debra not being the hillbilly she once was.

Believe or not, there’s LOTS more on the podcast, so if you are a Farrahddict like Shane and I, make sure you give the whole thing a listen! Also, be sure to tune in to Teen Mom OG Monday night at 10/9c for the return of Farrah! (You can see the first few minutes here.)