JEZEBEL – Rest assured that the Oprah sex trafficking hoax is just that. But, if you hadn’t heard about this particular bit of viral nonsense, strap yourself in for a doozy! (And remember that it only took the length of a fitful night’s sleep for this 100% fake story to trend #1 on Twitter)
THE BLEMISH – It turns out that Amanda Bynes, still in recovery and recently un-engaged to her now ex Paul Michael, is pregnant with her first child
REALITY TEA – At least one unending wait is now over: Vanderpump Rules stars Brittany Cartweight and Jax Taylor were finally married on last night’s episode. MVP of the ceremony went to Tom Sandoval; looks like the over / under on the length of the marriage is around two years
THE ASHLEY’S REALITY ROUNDUP – In other Vanderpump Rules news (and in an unfortunate turn toward the COVID-19 portion of today’s links post), “Star Scheana Shay Slammed Online for Making Light of Quarantine Advisories; Later Backpedals on Refusal to Stay Home”
LAINEY GOSSIP – However, Scheana’s snafu isn’t nearly as bad — or potentially career-ending! — as that of Vanessa Hudgens, who had this to say about the still-expanding coronavirus pandemic: “Like, ya. People are going to die. Which is like terrible…but…inevitable?”
CELEBITCHY – Maybe Reese Witherspoon has used this line before (and maybe it’s not her line to begin with), but it’s new to me and I think it’s pretty great. In her new Vanity Fair cover interview, Reese says, “I always say, ‘Funny doesn’t sag.’ I always just wanted to be funny.”
THE BLAST – Patton Oswalt brought joy to the masses by doing impromptu stand-up in front of his house. By “masses” I mean his millions of Twitter followers, since COVID kept all but three of Patton’s neighbors indoors. The little girl steals the show
DLISTED – You can’t go out to the movies for the foreseeable future, but you can stream Cats from the comfort of your home. Yes, that Cats. On the one hand, I don’t know how that’s supposed to make anyone feel better; on the other, why was the studio holding it back for a regular release such that a coronavirus-inspired *early* release was possible at all?
GO FUG YOURSELF – March Madness is canceled; Fug Madness lives on
VOX – Finally, here’s a little light reading for right before you go to bed: “This pandemic will expose who we are as a country: ‘We’re bumping up against the limits of excessive American individualism and market society.'”
(Photo credit: Oprah sex trafficking hoax via Instagram)
John Sharp is Starcasm’s chief editorial correspondent-at-large. Tips: E-mail email@example.com or Twitter @john_starcasm.