This blog (as well as thousands of others) spends a lot of time obsessing over the young ladies from the MTV reality series Teen Mom and Teen Mom 2. These eight girls, their friends and their families supply us with a seemingly endless supply of on-and-off-screen drama to write about as they try to deal with the responsibilities of motherhood being thrust on them at such a young age – all of which plays out each and every week on our television screens and in the tabloids.
I’m as big a fan as anyone of the Teen Moms and their entourages, but I thought I might take a moment to recognize some of the under-appreciated stars of the show – namely the inanimate objects that play such an important supportive role. I’ve compiled my Top Five Favorite Inanimate Objects From Teen Mom and Teen Mom 2 (actually six, but that’s because of a tie) and arranged them from Number Five up to Number One. I will also include a poll at the bottom so you can vote and find out if my opinion matches the masses’.
5. Gary Shirley’s Belden Lineman Camp t-shirt
We all know Gary only has five shirts (all of which are too small), but none of the other four can compare to this glorious gray man girdle that Gary was so fond of during the premiere season of Teen Mom. At that time he only had two shirts in his possession and for whatever reason chose this one whenever he was about to make reality show history and/or be the victim of a felony. (Oh, and I would be remiss to not point out the obvious irony of an image of a muscle man wearing boxing gloves stretched across the enormous mid-section of Gary Bear – something he is reportedly working on. Perhaps at Belden Lineman Camp?)
•••
4. Tyler Baltierra’s over-sized ultra-white hat
When I first watched Catelynn and Tyler’s episode of 16 and Pregnant my jaw literally dropped at the site of Tyler’s ultra-white over-sized hip hop ball cap and matching too-large and too-bright jacket thing. Actually, “ultra-white” doesn’t even begin to describe the pupil-punching purity of his hueless hat! When people talk about near-death experiences the term “the light” will eventually be replaced by “Tyler’s hat.”
But do not depart under the false impression that The Hat is completely pure in it’s huelessness. Tyler smartly had his last name of Baltierra embroidered along the back so if God loses His hat there won’t be any confusion. It should also be noted Tyler was wise enough to purchase a hat 10 sizes too large so his head won’t outgrow it as he becomes a man, which seems to happening right before our eyes!
•••
3. (Tie) Megan Nelson’s hair
(Tie) Megan Nelson’s teeth
I suppose it could be said that when an inanimate object draws attention away from the characters it has overstepped its bounds, but this list isn’t about the objects that perform their roles the best, it is about my favorites. There are so many things to like about Chelsea Houska’s roommate Megan Nelson, perhaps the most admirable of which is her rational yenness to Adam’s chaotic and destructive yangness. But no matter how admirable her character or how much of a positive influence she is on Chelsea, nothing can compare to the brain-swirling one-two punch of her scrumtrulescent hairdo combined with a squint-inducing mouth full of Tyler-Hat-White choppers!
What is it about the young ladies of Sioux Falls, South Dakota and the way they like to pull their hair from waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay over on the side? (Chelsea does a similar trick.) The magic of Megan’s mane – as opposed to Chelsea’s – is that it has a determined shape, some sort of 1960s-inspired rounded-off cylinder with a Bieber-esque appeal to it. (Don’t you just want to touch it?!?)
But then Megan flashes her million-watt smile to remind you to keep your distance! Man – dating Megan would completely eliminate the need for a nightlight or even headlights for that matter! The only catch is that you would have to keep her laughing – or in other words, keep Adam Lind far, far away. Megan, I know you must put a lot of work into making your teeth perfect, and I hope the fact that a celebrity blogger is writing about them in a (very bright) positive light is proof enough that your efforts have been well worth it!
**** A few Megan updates in case you were out of the loop. She did permanently move out of Chelsea’s apartment and has since found out she is expecting a child of her own! But even more shocking than that is the fact that she has apparently completely changed her hair:
(That sound you hear is the collective sigh of single men around the country. Sorry boys, but you know what they say, “Hair today, gone tomorrow!”)
•••
2. Ryan Edwards
Since Anna Nicole’s passing there may not be a more beautiful inanimate object on the planet, though a valid argument might be made for a split-window 1964 Volkswagen Microbus. I’m a guy and I’m not gay but I have to admit I fully understand the majesty of one Ryan Edwards laying there on the couch playing a video game – it is a captivating glory that not even whiny, ill-formed sentences can tarnish. Maci, I am amazed you were able to break the spell!
•••
1. Corey’s camouflage West Virginia hat
It seems impossible that anything (and I mean any “thing”) could outrank Ryan Edwards on this list, and it seems even more impossible that there could be another hat on the same television show that I admire more than Tyler’s towering white cumulohatbus. But the impossible is made possible thanks to the unequivocal awesomeness that is Corey’s camo cap.
I’m sure there will be many people arguing that Tyler’s pristine skull cap is superior, but as intimidatingly stark as Tyler’s unblemished hat is, it has none of the character or love that oozes from the frayed threads and perma-curved bill of Corey’s magnificent Mountaineer melon topper. The hat shows all the wear and tear that comes from working, from stressing, from raising two little girls… Corey can wear it while out huntin’ and he can wear it during an emotional discussion about his daughter’s health – there is no occasion for which that hat is unsuitable because the hat is Corey. The hat is life. No one’s life is like Tyler’s hat! (Except maybe Justin Bieber)
Sure, it has flaws and some may not think it’s pretty, but at the end of the day it protects Corey’s head from the weather in the same way that at the end of the day Corey was there for Leah. Corey puts the “good” in good ol’ boy and wears his heart on his sleeve and his life on his head. (I’ve got man tears welling up)
So here’s to Corey’s perfectly flawed headgear, and to his commitment to Leah and his daughters – as a fellow man I’m proud of how he’s representin’ us. And take note MTV, any of these top three inanimate objects would be more than deserving of their own spin-off show!
UPDATE – It seems I’m not the only one with a profound admiration for Corey’s camo cap – the weathered headgear has inspired its own song!
Asa Hawks is a writer and editor for Starcasm. You can contact Asa via Twitter, Facebook, or email at starcasmtips(at)yahoo.com
