CELEBITCHY – Former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen is about to become another in the parade of Trump turncoats willing to dish on the president in exchange for lenient sentencing for all the totally illegal stuff they’ve been doing their entire lives and that Trump managed to drag out into the daylight by winning the election
DLISTED – Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson are firmly ensconced in the sex-crazy-and-tripping-over-each-other-to-publicly-praise-each-other’s-sex-organs phase of their relationship
THE BLAST – A special round of applause for the staffer who found what may be the worst possible photo to accompany this story about how the three new sex crimes charges against Harvey Weinstein have him facing life in prison
THE BLEMISH – I know the news about Drake actually having a son is a few days old now, but I missed this headline when the story broke and it’s really funny and deserves a wider audience, so enjoy
VERY SMART BROTHAS – Speaking of Drake, here’s why Scorpion is really just a frozen waffle that didn’t thaw out completely in the toaster but that you eat anyway
JEZEBEL – Yup, this headline checks out
VOX – “A black 12-year-old was mowing a lawn. So someone called the police.”
REALITY TEA – Kristen Doute is pretty sure that James Kennedy has been cheating on Raquel Leviss, only she swears it’s not with her. And as Gob Bluth can tell you, unsubtle misdirection is still misdirection
LAINEY GOSSIP – Kendrick Lamar is on the cover of Vanity Fair this month, for a feature that essentially kicks off the “post-Puliter phase of [his] career” and is full of fresh insights on his process
PAJIBA – Here’s Michelle Wolf with a fresh round of thoughts on the Trump administration, including some things you might say to its members should you encounter them at a nearby country club
THE ASHLEY’S REALITY ROUNDUP – Deena Cortese of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation is expecting her first child with husband Chris Buckner, congrats!
(Photo credits: Michael Cohen ready to flip via SplashNews.com)
John Sharp is a Starcasm editor. E-mail tips to email@example.com or send on Twitter at @john_starcasm.