THE BLAST – The lawyer for the woman accusing Chris Brown of raping her in Paris is confident that the Chris Brown rape investigation “will continue” despite the fact that Brown is no longer in custody and has left the country entirely
CELEBITCHY – Kevin Hart tried to send a message of compassion to Jussie Smollett after the Empire actor suffered a horrifying hate crime, but got dragged for it across social media because it’s only been a couple of minutes since Hart’s Oscar hosting controversy (and also because social media)
THE BLEMISH – The pregnancy cake that Amy Schumer’s sister-in-law got her would not be at all out of place as the cover for some grindcore bands whose names I can’t give without asterisking them beyond recognition. Suffice it to say that this is a cake to haunt your daydreams and sex life for years to come
DLISTED – Gwyneth Paltrow is being sued for $3.1 million by a doctor who says he suffered “permanent traumatic brain injury” and other maladies after Paltrow crashed into him while skiing, then fled the scene. If he wins, expect everyone who saw Shallow Hal in theaters to follow the doctor’s lead
JEZEBEL – “Woman Says No One Helped Her When a Man Repeatedly Punched Her in Front of a Downtown LA Crowd”
VOX – ““Wild-caught,” “organic,” “grass-fed”: what do all these animal welfare labels actually mean? A shopper’s guide to the labels on meat, dairy, and eggs.”
LAINEY GOSSIP – Apparently Matthew McConaughey and Anne Hathaway’s new movie Serenity is “not just a movie, it is an EXPERIENCE” in the sense that it is so unbelievably batshit terrible it’s destined to become a cult classic. Here’s the trailer!
REALITY TEA – RHONJ star Margaret Josephs’ husband Joe Benigno is not the biggest fan of his wife’s close relationship with her ex-husband Jan
THE ASHLEY’S REALITY ROUNDUP – Enjoy these nine funny things that reality TV stars tweeted this week
(Photo credit: Chris Brown rape investigation via SplashNews.com)
John Sharp is Starcasm’s chief editorial correspondent-at-large. Tips: E-mail email@example.com or Twitter @john_starcasm.