Lawyer Chris Sevier petitions to marry his laptop

Chris Sevier Laptop

A setback for literal commuter lovers everywhere: A Florida judge has denied lawyer Chris Sevier’s request to marry his “porn filled Apple computer.”

“Perhaps the motion is satirical. Or perhaps it is only removed from reality. Either way, the motion has no place in this lawsuit,” Judge Robert Hinkle said of his decision, Gawker reports.

In his original lawsuit, Chris — who was suspended from practicing law in Tennessee in 2011 because of “mental infirmity or illness” — argued the state should recognize all types of love if legislators permit gay marriage.

Chris Sevier
Chris Sevier, who identifies himself as “a former Judge Advocate and combat veteran.”

“[If gay people] have the right to marry their object of sexual desire, even if they lack corresponding sexual parts, then I should have the right to marry my preferred sexual object,” Chris said in his 24-page filing. Seemingly stomping on his own case, he insulted the idea of gay marriage by saying the idea was only perpetuated by President Obama to “make America a ‘gay nation.'”

He continued…

Recently, I purchased an Apple computer. The computer was sold to me without filters to block out pornography. I was not provided with any warning by Apple that pornography was highly addictive and could alter my reward cycle by the manufacturer. Over time, I began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women. Naturally, I ‘fell in love’ with my computer and preferred having sex with it over all other persons or things, as a result of classic conditioning upon orgasm.

The local New Times Broward Palm Beach called Chris’ case an obvious attempt to “punk the legal system because he doesn’t agree with gay marriage.” They note Chris also attempted to sue Apple because the company didn’t warn him about the risk of getting addicted to porn, tried to sue A&E for temporarily suspending Phil Robertson after his anti-gay statements and currently has an anti-gay marriage case open in Utah.