CELEBITCHY – There’s an impossible amount of religious, social, and political intrigue to unpack in the still-unfolding story of Jerry Falwell’s pool boy, Jerry Falwell, and Becki Falwell. But let’s all remember that, since the three are consenting adults, the real scandal isn’t that Jerry liked watching the pool boy have sex with his wife; instead, it’s the Falwells’ massive hypocrisy now crashing down all around them like a set piece in a Christopher Nolan movie
JEZEBEL – Remember the time Denise Richards brought up being chased by a “mysterious car” that Richards said had something to do with “Big Pharma”‘s intimidation of her husband, who’s apparently conducting groundbreaking research into cancer cures? How come that only ever came up one time?
REALITY TEA – Speaking of Denise Richards and the ongoing RHOBH implosion of her storyline: “Teddi Mellencamp Says Brandi Glanville Texts ‘Point Out A Pattern When It Comes To Denise Richards’; Kyle Richards Slams Denise For Being ‘Censored Version Of Denise’ That She Wants People To See” (aren’t censored versions of oneself the whole point of reality TV?)
THE BLAST – According to Tamra Judge — who maybe has no idea what she’s talking about, and maybe has ulterior motives for spreading gossip, she’s a Real Housewife after all! — NeNe Leakes’ contract renewal talks broke down and NeNe won’t be coming back for RHOA Season 13 when the show resumes filming late this year or early next
THE ASHLEY’S REALITY ROUNDUP – “Season 12 Premiere of Alaskan Bush People Shows Bear Brown Disappearing Days Before His Wedding to Raiven Adams”
LAINEY GOSSIP – “The first trailer for Netflix’s upcoming movie Enola Holmes has dropped, and while Henry Cavill is trending because people are thirsty, I am here for Millie Bobby Brown as a spunky teenaged detective. Based on Nancy Springer’s YA mystery series, Enola Holmes is about Sherlock Holmes’s younger sister, who must find their missing mother. Pop culture used to be lousy with spunky teenaged detectives (the Hardy boys, Nancy Drew, the Boxcar children, the Goonies), but it seems like the spunky teenaged detective has faded from view a bit—even Nancy Drew got remade as a Riverdale-esque mopey drama. Just give me precocious children solving mysteries while their parents ignore them!”
DLISTED – Halle Barry is so fed up with her five-year-old-and-still-ongoing divorce from husband Olivier Martinez that she’s actually filed to represent herself instead of retaining an attorney for the remainder of the proceedings
GO FUG YOURSELF – “The VMAs debuted with a performance that instantly made them famous: Madonna singing “Like a Virgin” in the iconic wedding gown and thigh-highs, tousled hair extra-tossed. No one had ever seen anything quite like the writhing and the underpants, or so it’s told”
VOX – This should be helpful in sorting out future controversies: “Republican National Convention speakers, explained for people who don’t watch Fox News”
(Photo credit: Jerry Falwell’s pool boy via Instagram)
John Sharp is Starcasm’s chief editorial correspondent-at-large. Tips: E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org or Twitter @john_starcasm.