Howard Stern Not Dead! Marries Again

Former influential person Howard Stern (54) got married Friday night to long-time girfriend Beth Ostrovksy (36) at Le Cirque restaurant in New York City.

Howard Stern Wedding

Stern divorced his first wife and mother of his three children in 2001, after 21 years of marriage, vowing to never take a wedding vow again. Apparently his inability to understand what “vow” means hasn’t scared away model and actress Ostrovsky, who proudly became Mrs. Shameless 8 Year-Old in front of a B/C/D list of wedding attendees that included  Joan Rivers, Barbara Walters, Sarah Silverman, Jimmy Kimmel, Adam Carrolla, Robin Quivers and Artie Lang, Steve Schirripa, Chevy Chase, Tommy Mottola, and Donald and Melania Trump. (We apologize for the number of times we mention Donald Trump on this site, but the man is a celebrity news lamprey!) Kelly Ripa’s husband and soap opera star Mark Consuelos got ordained as a minister to perform the ceremony, which brought the perfect amount of gravity to the proceedings. Fellow former influential person Billy Joel provided music for the occasion, and our paper-azzi on the scene transcribed the following lyrics from his performance:

It’s nine o’clock on a Friday
The has-been crowd shuffles in
There’s a young woman standing next to me
Smelling my farts and having to grin

She says, “Howard can you check out my mammaries
I’m not really sure how they look
Are they hot are they nice
Are they both the same size
Would you put them in your next book”

Cut us some cheese you’re an eight year old man
Cut us some cheese tonight
We’re all in the mood for some midgetry
And you got us feeling not bright

Na nana nanaaaaa
Na nana nanaaaaaaa nana

Our congrats go out to the happy couple, and will officially rescind the celebrity amber alert we issued a few months ago for Howard.

******WARNING****** The following is an in-depth scientific article with a very low humor/word ratio. Though it does have a cool graph at the end, it may be a bit much to swallow for those casual gossip readers.

Howard Stern is the self-proclaimed “King of All Media” but we here at prefer to call him the “Jack of All Asses.” Our title isn’t something we made up and handed out arbitrarily, it is based on the evolutionary theories of Dr. Gitwas Cumming. Dr. Cumming’s research into ancient human cultures and experiments with apes and chimpanzees would suggest that the rules of natural selection are being unnaturally and dangerously circumvented, allowing for the survival of far too many Howard Sterns.

He claims that, once out of high school, people can enter into artificial realities in which their over-inflated sense of self worth is allowed to go unchecked. This phenomenon isn’t in itself unnatural, the problem arises when the individual with an over-inflated sense of self worth is completely unable to defend itself and yet, for whatever reason, doesn’t get brutally beaten. This is what Dr. Cumming describes as “The Artist Formerly Known as Principle.” (Or TAFKAP)

In one of his experiments, Dr. Cumming took a young chimpanzee named Garth and raised it in an artificial, decadent environment.  The temperature was constantly 74 degrees, bananas were always available at his feet, and the chimp didn’t even have to leave his hammock to use the bathroom because hidden hoses immediately washed his feces away. Dr. Cumming introduced into the environment six female chimpanzees that had absolutely no contact with any other male chimp. Garth lived in these conditions until he was a full-grown adult monkey, at which point Dr. Cumming removed him from his little chimpanzee paradise (very similar to Neverland Ranch) and released him back into the wild.

Hidden cameras followed as Garth stumbled onto a group of other chimps. He seemed a bit startled to see other male monkeys for the first time. He observed from a distance for a while, having to relocate eventually when the smell of his unvanquished fecal matter became overwhelming. Garth noticed that the largest male chimp had a harem of chimpettes much like his own, and he would make certain gestures and sounds and the other chimps would bring him a banana, pick fleas off his back, or fan him with a tree branch accordingly. Recognizing the kind of environment and life he was used to, Garth exited his hiding place and approached the group. The response was little more than a collective sideways glance until Garth began to mimic the gestures and sounds of the largest chimp in an attempt to get some food. Within the seconds the large, wild chimp was on his feet racing towards the newcomer. He ripped Garth’s arms off and beat him to death with them.

Dr. Cumming argues that throughout the history of life on this planet, any amount of smugness or cockiness that didn’t accompany the physical attributes necessary to defend oneself would usually lead to extinction. He claims that this phenomenon is not only observable in chimpanzees but also in American high schools. He suggests that this inability of people’s assess to cash the checks that their mouths are writing is similar to the sub-prime mortgage lending practices in the finance industry, which has resulted in the economic collapse over the last few months. He warns that we may be on the verge of a similarly large scale social collapse, for which there will be no government bailout.

Dr. Cumming has devised a graph for what he calls the Garth Ratio, which allows for identification of those men that would have been beaten to death with their own arms in the natural order of things (or in high school), but are instead allowed to not only continue existing without being beaten, but to thrive.

Garth Ratio Graph

Dr. Cumming wants to emphasize that he doesn’t support the notion of bully-ism (having been stuffed in a few lockers himself) merely that it has been part of the natural order of things for millions of years. He suggests that the emergence of the human brain as the most influential force on earth should be moving our species in a southwesterly direction on the graph, but instead we seem to be shifting southeast, towards a species of unscathed Howard Sterns.

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