NeNe Leakes is sent from heaven above to entertain us with her grace an loveliness. She is the brightest shining star on the cast of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Kim’s wig comes in second, but is still miles away from NeNe’s glory. It’s only fitting that she kick the season off with mimosas and her favorite girlfriend Dwight. Is he on salary at BRAVO yet? If not, he should be.
NeNe’s got a new house, and it is swank! She’s got a killer wine cellar, a disco light thing for the party room (which Dwight rightly called “dreadful”) and, most importantly, a theater room outfitted with plush, comfy seats. All it needed was a little Dwight, who NeNe invited over to take a look at the room he’ll be decorating for her.
“This is what I call decorating a house!” NeNe exclaims while Dwight gives her a sexy lap dance (fly unzipped and everything). This is, of course, after Dwight entertains her with his mesmerizing crawl, which she can’t get enough of. I love a crawl too, NeNe.
During the mimosa making, Dwight offered NeNe an educational lesson on the fine art of champagne opening, which was really a two-for-one because the same maneuvers demonstrated could be used in the bedroom as well.
Here’s the Dwight method of champagne opening. You must follow instructions exactly:
“Rotate, just ease it off and let it come naturally. Just put our hand on top of my hand and try it. Feel it, it’s coming. See, it’s perfect. Did you enjoy that?”
Yes, Dwight, I did. I could watch a whole episode with just the two of them – the humor and hi jinks just wouldn’t stop! It could be called BBB, for Beautiful Black B*tches. They could travel around from city to city calling lying skank b*tches as they see them and finding new and exciting ways to turn everyday conversation into sexual innuendos.
Unfortunately, the NeNe-Dwight party ended before it really started and suddenly we’re going to Kim Zolciak’s psychic Rose, who watched enough of last season to know there are some peeps stressing the girl out. I still had visions of Dwight crawling in my head, so it took a minute to adjust to seeing Kim’s Wig 2.0 and listening to a palm reader find new lines on her hands.
Apparently, since Big Poppa left her, Kim has grown some business lines, which she’ll use to start a Caucasian wig line. BTW, Kim wears a wig, in case you didn’t know and this season she’s out and PROUD. Kim also grew another child line on her hand, because Rose told her she’s supposed to have a baby boy to supplement her two girls.
Kim says she needs to get some pills, some to keep away babies, and some to keep away the crazies. Sounds responsible and rational, she’s starting the season off on a good foot.
Next we get to Sheree, who’s had some real deal stress in her life lately: her ex stopped paying the mortgage and her palace in Sandy Springs got foreclosed on. She had to move the kids to a more modest dwelling without upsetting them, all while trying to sort out her divorce mess. It’s sad that she had to deal with this trouble, but her personality has taken a turn for the better. Maybe this experience has helped her let out a bit of the hot hair that kept her hovering above reality, and she’s gained some clarity. Last year she was a lady with too much money who thought she could buy her way into being a fashion designer but ended with a bunch of samples (which looked like they were sewn by a three-legged golden retriever) and a fashion party with no clothes. Since then she’s probably had to learn to manage her finances better, and actually launched a real fashion line. She’s still trying to keep us from seeing her sweat, but she does seem to finally let us see a bit of the real her, the one who’s not hiding behind grandiose tales of nonsense and self flattery. And then there’s her dealings with the Worst Event Planner of All Time, Mr. Anthony Shorter, which again; although stressful to her, helped endear her to many of her critics.
Sheree meets with Anthony Shorter, who’s planning her “Independence Party” where she will be queen! BRAVO doesn’t show this, but she’s not really paying for the party, BRAVO struck a deal with Anthony’s company for Sheree’s party to be part of the Atlanta Music Festival. Since there really isn’t such as thing as a free lunch, Anthony’s company really wasn’t doing this for free, it was to be a publicity boon for them! There would be massive media coverage of the event in Atlanta because of Sheree, and peeps from far and wide would tune into Real Housewives of ATL to see what a fine job Anthony did for the “Housewife.” Instead, millions of viewers tuned into the best instruction video ever made on poor customer service. Before everything went sour Anthony promised Sheree she would arrive via helicopter, and be carried in by hot men Cleopatra style. There would be rose petals thrown at her feet, people bowing at her presence and a poet talking sweet words about her. Anthony promised to “shock her guests” and Sheree told him he best not disappoint like she meant it. More prescient words were never spoken.
Next we have the newest cast member Kandi Burress showing up at Lisa Wu Hartwell’s house to share a sandwich and gab about Pocketbook Monologues and Kim. Kandi Burress has written a lot of hit songs for Beyonce, Mariah Carey, Pink, Destiny’s Child, Whitney Houston, Alicia Keys and many others! She even won a Grammy for co-writing TLC’s “No Scrubs” with Xscape band mate Tameka “Tiny” Cottle, who also has her own reality show this summer, Tiny and Toya, on BET.
Is case you’re wondering what a scrub is he’s a man who lives at home with his mama, treats his girlfriend wrong, and walks or takes rides from his friends instead of driving. The dude is cheap:
A scrub is a guy who can’t get no love from me
Hangin’ out the passenger’s side of his best friend’s ride
Tryin’ to holla at me.
Aside from working on a solo album, Kandi is also going to to participate in The Pocketbook Monologues, a Vagina Monologues for the black community. She persuades Lisa to join her, because it’s to benefit an AIDS charity, but Lisa initially balks, exclaiming “What if they give me an angry vagina?!?” After Lisa hears she can pick which vagina she wants to be, she’s on board!
Next conversation movies to Kandi’s fiance, who her mother doesn’t like because he has six kids! He gave her a powerful rock, a square, diamond encrusted masterpiece that would leave a mean scar. Then Kim comes up because she “knows” Kandi’s friend in the music industry, Dallas Austin. Kandi dismisses Kim, saying “Knowing Dallas Austin doesn’t mean he wants to work with you.”
Cut to NeNe playing pool with her husband Gregg and son Brentt. “Playing” here is a loose term, because girl can knock a ball only slightly better than I can, and that’s really not saying much. She jerks the stick around painfully until “hair and makeup” arrive for Reno 911! star Nicey Nash’s b-day bash. While getting her face professionally put on, NeNe expresses in voiceover that she’d like to smooth things over with Kim, because she’s a “fun girl to hang out with.” NeNe just wants to “squash a little drama,” which is a phrase I will use next time I want to smooth over a girl fight.
NeNe and Kim both tell the camera they are “cordial” with each other, but Sheree says she’s over Kim since she heard Kim’s been talking about her all over town. At the packed event, Kim shows up with an entourage, gets her picture taken, very obviously walks by NeNe and Kim without acknowledgment, and leaves.
NeNe, Sheree, and Lisa go up to the roof and talk about Kim. Sheree says to NeNe that Kim’s been telling everyone around town that Gregg is broke, which gets NeNe a little riled. The drama has not been squashed, but raised up further like an angry pimple.
Then back to Kim, who’s attempting to do some research for her wig line at a beauty school. She talks about her bout with “non-cancer” that led to her wearing a wig, and is sporting a much perkier one of late. Kim gets excited when she sees that the beauty books have pop ups and not a lot of words because “who wants to read?” Kim then sits in an actual class, which puts her to sleep in five seconds. She also gets confused by a normal looking curling iron, and expresses frustration at having to learn this beauty school stuff. She can hire people for that, she doesn’t need to “know” anything about this business she’s starting!
Moving back to Kandi at her house with her daughter Riley, her fiance A.J. Jewell, and one of his million children. When alone with her mother Riley expresses doubts about Kandi’s impending marriage to A.J. because she doesn’t want to be “friends” with A.J.’s children. I can understand that for a little girl this whole situation probably feels like an alien invasion.
Finally, there was the highlight of the show – the blood-pumping, pulse-racing confrontation between Diva Sheree and her Unprofessional Event Planner. If I tried to write about it, I would only cheapen the glory of this jaw-dropping moments, so click here to watch the video.