A bright and glittery star has faded from the earth.
Alexis Cohen, famous American Idol Glitter Girl and Official F-Uer of Simon Cowell, was found dead on the side of the road in New Jersey after being struck by a car. Police are ruling it a homicide and 23-year-old Daniel Bark has been arrested in the case.
This is excruciating news. Alexis was on American Idol two glorious times, and no doubt would have been back for a third. She would show up every season, and the producers would let her in again because of her entertaining ways. After a while, I’m sure she would have been given a reality show, possibly a dating one, and the whole world would be captive waiting to learn a new word from her extensive vocabulary. Never since Shakespeare have we heard such an inventive wordsmith.
I now use “actressing” regularly, and call self-satisfied people “snugly” to their face. Also, “We are all rzying” is my new favorite war cry.
Here’s Alexis first Idol audition. She actually played it kind of cool in the audition room, but when she left, hoo-boy, she gave a performance that puts most people involved in actressing to shame!
In Alexis’ second audition, she tried to change her look and sang “Like a Prayer.”
So Simon and Alexis went at it like the tigers they are. Transcript from the second audition below:
Simon: “Alexis, that was actually fairly horrendous. You actually got worse, I think.”
Some Brunette Judge Lady: “You were better when you were you.”
Simon: “Well, we’ve fully established you can’t sing.”
Alexis: “I don’t know what else to do but give you the finger.” She gives him two fingers.
Simon: “We’re friends now, right?”
Alexis: “I really don’t think we ever could be. … I’ve come back here too many times for you to keep sending me home. Thank you. F—you.”
R.I.P Glitter Girl
~ Carrie Glass
