The top 10 American Horror Story: Coven questions so far

Sacrebleu!!! Last night’s episode of American Horror Story: Coven (titled “Fearful Pranks Ensue”) was the best yet, and that’s saying a lot! We got to spend some quality time with Cordelia’s charming hubby Hank, were introduced to the spin-off-worthy Council of Witchcraft trio, got a glimpse into what makes Spalding such a sweet tongueless witch butler, saw the seemingly impossible softening of Delphine LaLaurie’s hard heart, witnessed two undead armies rise from the grave, and were given reason to believe Fiona may have rug-rolled the wrong witch — all in just over an hour.

Part of the fun this season is how many major unanswered questions there are, and last night’s episode managed to increase the number of questions exponentially without answering any of them! (Well, except for how Spalding lost his tongue.) So, I thought I would compile the Top 10 Questions from American Horror Story: Coven (so far). Without further ado…

10. Where did FrankenKyle go?

Zoe was shocked to discover that her attempt to reunite good-hearted Frankenfrat boy Kyle with his loving (as in make loving) mother didn’t go so well. After discovering her golem beau tub thumping his bloody skull, Zoe consoled him and went about making him a nice tuna and rat poison sandwich. But, when she finished the sandwitch (see what I did there?), FrankenKyle was out the door and gone! Luckily for him it was Halloween so his awkward stumbling and blood-spackled visage fit right in.

So, where did FrankenKyle go?!? Is he headed back to Stevie Nicks for more healing and lacy dancing? Is he taking advantage of his situation and going door to door for candy? Or has he succumbed to his rapist douchebag body parts and is making a beeline to the frat house looking for booze and unsuspecting sorority girls he can drug?

And on a hypothetical note, If Zoe takes Kyle’s mom to Stevie Nicks and brings her back to life, would FrankenKylesMom try to have sex with FrankenKyle? And would we have to call that Frankincest?

9. When will Spalding get his own TLC special?

Spalding could be the first TLC crossover sensation with his own episode of each of the following:

My Crazy Obsession
The Virgin Diaries
Secret Princess
Extreme Cougar Wives
Hoarding: Buried Alive
Welcome to Myrtle (Snow) Manor
Say Yes to the Dress

8. What is Cordelia’s power? (Is it merely lip inflation?)

We know Cordelia is skilled at creating fertility potions that don’t work and even batches of homemade Vick’s salve that don’t seem to do much for Minotaur sexual assault injuries, but what is her actual power? It looks like the show is setting her up to “break bad” after finding out about the true nature of her husband Hank Manson, so I’m hoping at that point we will find out she has a BADASS power of some sort that she’s spent her entire life trying to avoid ever using — like being able to turn Apple computers into PCs.

And speaking of witch powers, what the hell kind of “power” is literally being able to f*** someone’s brains out?!? Zoe basically has the worst STD ever — that’s it. And what woman in the world who hated a man so much she wanted him to die would want to give him the satisfaction of having sex with her before he died?!? I assume most would prefer a shotgun. Also, is her power sex-specific? For example, could she scissor a woman to death?

7. Is Nan gonna hit that?

I’m going to assume by the look on Nan’s face whenever she talks with hunky neighbor boy Luke that the answer to this question is yes. (Nan knows y’all!) She might as well let him have his cake and eat it too, right?

6. What would Tabatha think of Marie Laveau’s salon?

Actually, I think we all know the answer to this question. But, in this case, knowing the answer doesn’t mean the question doesn’t still make the Top 10!

5. Is Madison going to be brought back to life by Stevie Nicks?

I find it hard to believe that FX would bring in a big name star like Emma Roberts just to play a dead girl in lingerie for most of the season. (Although I have to confess, I don’t think television or the big screen have ever seen a better dead girl in lingerie!) Plus, her lil Fiona character was just too awesome to not have around when the sh!t goes down!

4. Who threw acid in Cordelia’s face?

Who was that hooded acid bandit?!? (We’re all assuming it was acid and not just a really vile urine sample.) Was it one of Marie Laveau’s voodoo minions? Was it the furiously frustrated horn-rimmed spectacled Council of Witchcraft redhead Myrtle Snow? Was it FrankenKyle? Was it Bible lady neighbor? Was it just someone who really hates collagen?

3. Why is this show so damn awesome?

In answer to this I can only offer up the slightly altered Gumpism, “Awesome is as awesome does.”

2. So, gay men can be witches too?

We were introduced to The Council of Witchcraft, which included a man named Quentin?!? I assume that in order to be on The Council of Witchcraft one of the requirements is that you be a witch — so are penises and witchcraft not diametrically opposed? Can men be witches too? Is it only gay men? Could it be that the Robichaux’s Academy has a “Do ask, do tell” policy?

1. Who is the new Supreme?

There hasn’t been this much suspense over who the new Supreme will be since Honey Boo Boo’s episode of Toddlers & Tiaras! Cordelia told The Council of Witchcraft that Madison had a heart murmur, which meant she didn’t have the required “healthy glow” of a Supreme. But was she just lying to save Fiona? And if she wasn’t lying, then who will be the next Supreme?!?

The obvious guess is Zoe, which would be great because it would mean she has additional powers other than fornikilling. But, with a show as well-conceived as American Horror Story, I would assume that the obvious choice would not be the correct answer. But then again, maybe they know that and thus Zoe wouldn’t be the obvious choice! ARGH!

Everything considered, here is my American Horror Story: Coven Next Supreme Probability Pie Chart. (And yes, by the time I was finished I was already second-guessing some of the numbers!)

Tune in next week for another episode of American Horror Story: Coven on FX. (Wednesdays at 10/9c!)