Jessica Alba made headlines last week when photos surfaced of her plastering posters of great white sharks all over downtown Oklahoma City. It was Jessica’s attempt to raise awareness of the near extinction of the species, though the posters didn’t actually say anything. In addition, she used industrial-strength glue that is nearly impossible to remove to attach the posters to public buildings and even a United Way billboard, resulting in a criminal investigation that could eventually lead to a felony arrest and jail time for JA.
Here’s Alba catching herself in the act: (Head over to thelostogle.com for larger images and some great commentary from an Oklahoma City resident)
Alba has since apologized for the incident, issuing this statement to the press:
“I got involved in something I should have had no part of. I realize that I should have used better judgment and I regret not thinking things through before I made a spontaneous and ill-advised decision to let myself get involved with the people behind this campaign. I sincerely apologize to the citizens of Oklahoma City and to the United Way for my involvement in this incident.”
How do I even begin to peel back the layers of absurdity with this story?
- Oklahoma City is about as far from the ocean as you can get in the US. Perhaps there is a bizarre logic that would tell you, “What better place is there to raise awareness than in a place where there isn’t any?”
- Why would Alba cripple the plight of the great white shark with her endorsement?
- A much better method of awareness-raising would have been to make a television commercial showing Sarah Palin shooting great white sharks from a helicopter.
- If you’re a “celebrity” and are committing vandalism, robbing a bank, having sex with your douchey boyfriend or puffing on a bong – don’t take photos.
- If Alba wanted to increase awareness of a horrifying, nearly forgotten beast on the verge of extinction, she should have been putting up “The Love Guru” posters instead. (People in Oklahoma City actually have a chance of being injured by that creature)
But don’t think for a second that trying to turn Oklahoma City into “The Great White Way” was Jessica’s first dabbling in vandalistic awareness raising! A starcasm investigative reporter concocted an elaborate scheme to get his hands on Alba’s cell phone, which means he dressed himself as a great white land shark, knocked on Jess’s door, told her his car broke down, he needed to call for a tow truck and he was worried for his safety. Perhaps not surprisingly, the ploy worked and he was able to download some additional incriminating photos featuring Jessica Albanksy. Here are a few of the most startling:
****SUPER FUN DO-IT-YOURSELF PROJECT!**** Here are some Jessicutouts you can use to construct your own Albandalism moments! It’s a fun activity you can do with your kids when it’s raining outside. (Great whites are cool, but you might want to tell them the woman is someone not really lame like Norah Jones or Miley’s older sister. There’s no sense in children learning who Jessica Alba is, right?) Just click on the link to download the zipped png files: (I’m guessing people can use png files. If not, I could try to offer them as gifs as well – just holla atcha boy!)
****UPDATE 6/16/09 - Another Albanksy sighting! Check it out! (Just scroll down – you can’t miss it)
Subscribe to Starcasm by Email