Former celebrity Winona Ryder was on a British Airways flight to London from Los Angeles when she took ill and the plane was forced to make a priority landing. All that we know officially is that Winona “required medical attention,” was rushed to a hospital “as a precaution” and “she’s fine now.”

We pulled starcasm’s medical examiner from performing an autopsy on Jessica Simpson’s acting career to look over the facts and see if he couldn’t come up with his own expert diagnosis. After pouring over the information available, he says he is 90% certain that her “illness” was actually an injury sustained when Winona officially fell off the map. He goes on to say the injuries are treatable with doses of getting busted for shoplifting or dating Johnny Depp, but a full recovery is not to be expected. (Doctors are reportedly working on a revolutionary treatment involving a blood transfusion from Flavor Flav, but there is no word if Winona will be a participant in this experimental procedure)

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