John Mayer explains break-up with Jennifer Aniston, and reveals why he’s a jerk
According to John Mayer’s interview with Rolling Stone he makes music as a side project to fund his obsessive jerk-off sessions and his search for the world’s most beautiful vagina.
Unfortunately Jennifer Aniston didn’t make the cut in that category, and John’s sorry, a little bit. Here’s his full take on the matter:
“I’m the a$$hole. I burned the American flag. I basically murdered an ideal. I’ve never really gotten over it. It was one of the worst times of my life. I have this weird feeling, a pride thing, for the people I’ve had relationships with. What would I be saying to Jen, who I think is f**king fantastic, if I said to her, ‘I don’t dislike you. In fact, I like you extremely well. But I have to back out of this because it doesn’t arc over the horizon. This is not where I see myself for the rest of my life, this is not my ideal destiny.’ I’ll be happy when I close out this life-partner thing. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt attached. Think of how much mental capacity I’m using to meet the right person so I can stop giving a f**k about it.”
John’s not doing Jen any favors here, women don’t want to hear “I don’t dislike you,” or “I like you extremely well,” during or after a break up. It’s best to just not talk about it, especially in national magazines. But really, from how John comes off in this article, it looks like Jennifer dodged a bullet on this one. Plus, John’s missing out on these legs.
In other news, John Mayer seems to be addicted to p0rn and jerking off (paging Dr. Drew!). Here’s his delicate description of John’s past time activities:
“I am the new generation of masturbator. I’ve seen it all. Before I make coffee, I’ve seen more butt h0les than a proctologist does in a week. I mean, I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn’t pick up because I’m masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion. First of all, I don’t jerk off because I’m horny. I’m sort of half-chick. It’s like District 9. I can fire alien weapons. I can insert a tampon. No, I do it because I want to take a brain bath. It’s like a hot whirlpool for my brain, in a brain space that is 100 percent agreeable with itself.”
So this is what he’s doing while he Twitters.
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