Last night Heidi Montag (Pratt) performed at the Miss Universe pageant wearing a tacky version of Britney’s Bombshell 2000 VMA flesh-colored sparkle outfit. Mrs. Pratt proceeded to flail her arms and move out of rhythm while lip syncing her ear-assaulting song “Body Language.” Britney can’t really dance either, but her talent is exuding sex appeal. When she’s on top, every inch of her body is feelin’ the beat of her expertly produced pop hits. Britney’s songs aren’t bad either, they’ve got an underlying universal appeal in the beats, the hooks, and Britney adds her signature breathy sounds that make them uniquely hers. Then she gets on the stage and writhes. It’s not exactly high art, it’s produced and packaged sex brought to your by a bacchanalian Southern Girl, who if nothing else, knows about the pleasures of the flesh. She’s got her “body language” down. Heidi Montag, for all her fame whoring experience, wouldn’t know body language if it violently told her to stop singing and dancing in the form of a punch to the face.
The camera was kind to Heidi, it kept giving her close-ups so we couldn’t see how badly out of sync she was with her back-up dancers. The only thing we have to be thankful for about this performance is that she wasn’t singing live.
If I wanted to watch a performance trainwreck I prefer Amy Winehouse circa 2008 high off of Jack Daniels, red wine, heroin, crack, meth, can o’ dust, and industrial fumes slurring her way through “Rehab,” replacing all the words with “Blaaaake”, snorting a few bumps during the chorus, and then punching out someone in the front row before throwing on them. I like my trainwrecks laced with talent and a truckload of crazy.
In case you did something you regret over the weekend, and want to punish yourself, here’s Heidi’s “performance” from last night:
Here’s Britney’s version of the costume:
POST published August 24, 2009