Thanks to Stormy Daniels, we know which video game character Donald Trump’s dick looks like

Donald Trump's mushroom dick

If you don’t want to know anything about Donald Trump’s mushroom dick — including which video game character Trump’s former mistress Stormy Daniels unflatteringly compares it to — then please, by all means, turn away. But if your morbid curiosity’s gotten the best of you, we’re here to reveal some of the details from Full Disclosure, Daniels’ tell-all memoir about her affair with Trump. Needless to say, it isn’t pretty.

(Last chance to turn and run if you’ve got a weak stomach…)

The Guardian got their hands on an advance copy of Daniels’ memoir a couple of weeks before its October 2nd release date. They’ve published a very brief excerpt, one no doubt selected for maximum viral capability, in which Daniels describes the first time she had sex with Donald Trump after meeting him at a Lake Tahoe golf tournament in 2006.

According to Daniels, after she and Trump met on the golf course, Trump’s bodyguard invited Daniels to have dinner with Trump in his penthouse. Where, before long, this happened:

[Trump] knows he has an unusual penis…smaller than average, [but] not freakishly small…It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool…I lay there, annoyed that I was getting f*cked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart…It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.

Elsewhere in the memoir, Daniels describes the bizarre spectacle of lying in bed with Trump watching Shark Week programming despite the man’s ever-more-clear fear of sharks. Daniels also writes that at one point during their affair she was in the room when Trump got a phone call from Hillary Clinton, who was then running for the Democratic presidential nomination against eventual nominee Barack Obama.

But it’s the Mario Kart bit that’s gonna stick. In the interest of preserving your childhood, here’s a potential antidote:

(Photo credit: Donald Trump’s mushroom dick via, Nintendo)

John Sharp is a Starcasm’s chief editorial correspondent-at-large. Tips: E-mail at or send on Twitter at @john_starcasm.

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