Arlene Wagner set to crack Conan’s nuts

ByDarren O

Arlene Wagner of Conan O'Brien fame

Conan O’Brien has been gearing up for a long time to unleash his new late night talk show on TBS.  He’s run a brilliant promotional campaign that should pay off with a big premiere episode rating grab.  As part of these promotions he gave fans an opportunity to vote on who would be the very first guest on the show and the lady you see pictured above, Mrs. Arlene Wagner, beat out the likes of The Pope and Lady Gaga to win the coveted spot.

Who the f**k is Arlene Wagner!?!

Well if you were an avid collector of nutcrackers like I’m not then you would know EXACTLY who this queen of nutcrackin’ glory is.  Arlene Wagner is the Johnny Carson of pecan popping, the chosen one set forth to disseminate the history and knowledge of nutcrackers to the unknowing world outside.  She is a chain in an important historical link that connects back to  Wilhelm Füchtner; the “father of the nutcracker.” 

If you need a nut cracked then Arlene is your gal and Conan knew it.  He’s going to roll out Arlene in a full on leveraged assault against his competitors Jay Leno and David Letterman.  Arlene has collected thousands of nutcrackers and is the curator of the Leavenworth Nutcracker Museum.  You want crocodile nut crackers, she got that.  How about damn near 3,000 sq.ft. of anything and everything that is the art of cracking nuts.  Oh, and Arlene might come across as a real sack buster but she’s all about the kids too.  That’s why she started Kids Love Nutcrackers! 

The world may be ready for a new and improved Conan tonight but nothing can prepare us, or our nuts, for Arlene Wagner.  I tremble at what might happen if the Nutcracker Museum curatin’ hatin’ masturbating bear crosses paths with Arlene.  Crack!

Top Photo: Florence K. Robinson

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