Top 10 Joaquin Phoenix Rapper Names

Retired actor Joaquin Phoenix continues his musical barnstorming tour of idiocy, this time performing at LAVO in Las Vegas. (If you can stomach it, I’ve put a couple videos at the end of this post – one features Joaquin sucking at rap and the other features him sucking at leaving the stage. I can’t decide which he sucks better at!)

Joaquin Phoenix redefines Bum Rap

Back when Phoenix announced his retirement from acting with his infamous “Bye! Good” episode at last year’s premiere of his movie Two Lovers, I assumed he would be fronting some loudly mediocre alternative rock band, so I came up with some potential band names. But now that Joaquin has revealed he hopes to become the world’s first 220-pound bushy-faced homeless-looking white guy rapper, I’m gonna have to start all over from scratch! Grrrrrrrr!!! So, I’ve come up with some brand new potential musical monikers for the furry-headed Ewokeen Phoenix, this time with more of a rap/R&B flair and in the easy-to-digest “Top 10” format:

10. Gorillionaire
9. LL Fool J.
8. Yo Hobo and a Bottle of Rum DMC
7. Ludicrous
6. Rip Van Cracker
5. Public Enema
4. The Unabummer
3. Notorious B.I.G.foot (or Notorious Bye! Good)
2. Gruff Daddy
1. Gorilla Ice

Joaquin rapping terribly:

Joaquin exiting the stage without falling down terribly:

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