Greetings, fellow Real Housewives of New Jersey fanatics (and those of you who just can’t stop watching and aren’t sure why). It’s been a scary season, what with the looming tax evasion charges, the sight of Teresa and Joe Giudice naked together in a bathtub and the equally horrifying sight of Penny’s hair extensions. Our reward for surviving all this? The reunion! Here, a recap, by the numbers, of the most important moments.
0: Number of women who want to be told “I can’t tell the difference” between their bodies pre- and post-surgery. You know better, Andy Cohen!
39: Number of counts of fraud against Teresa and Joe.
0: Number of people watching who shook their heads and said, “Yes, absolutely!” when Teresa said, “What happened to me could happen to anyone.”
1: Number of people in the room who believe Joe has never cheated on Teresa. (That would be Teresa, in case you were wondering.)
21: Number of minutes it took for Bravo to throw up a split screen between Teresa and Melissa Gorga.
10: Number of cool points Kathy Wakile gets for her smoky eye makeup. Lookin’ good, lady!
1: Number on a scale from 1 to 10 of how funny Jacqueline Laurita’s “Oh, was that Kathy’s scene? I wasn’t paying attention” joke was. Awk-ward!
0: Number of people who were glad to see Jacqueline’s “chicken cutlets” on the table again. Barf.
5: Approximate number of seconds of awkward silence there was when Andy asked if Jacq has heard from Dina Manzo since Nicholas’ autism diagnosis. Final answer? No. Ouch.
41: Number of minutes it took to get Rosie Pierri out on the couch. That’s 41 minutes too long, people!
0: Number of times the Giudices and the Gorgas have “gotten together, gone out to dinner.” But they have tried, people! And that’s all that matters. Except, it’s not.
1: Number of times Andy called Teresa out.
Teresa: Some people hold grudges.
Andy: You hold on to some things.
Teresa: I’ve learned not to.
Andy: Like in the last half hour, or…?
Starcasm: Bahahaha, good one, Andy!
1: Number of new words invented during the Reunion, Part 1: Feminier. Adj. More feminine, possessing feminine traits, being more feminine than your partner.
1: Number of people wearing a dress designed by their son’s ex-girlfriend. (That would be Caroline Manzo. Aw!)
3: Number of GIFS that should be made after tonight’s reunion. 1) The face Caroline made when Andy introduced Dr. V as a “leggy blonde miracle.” 2) The face Caroline made when Teresa explained Penny’s thought process. 3) The face Caroline made when Teresa explained why she lied in her blog post.
1: Number of brief laughs we had when Teresa started spouting her new legal insight. When you go to court, you need facts, guys!
0: Number of problems Dr. V. solved on the reunion. Oh, well! There’s always next week!
2: Number of burning questions we now have. 1) Why does Joe think the moon is a planet? 2) Why does Joe think he has eggs?
All in all, we thought Part 1 of the reunion was a tad underwhelming, but Part 2 certainly looks (forgive us for using this word) juicy. Do you think Teresa has grown at all from her experiences? Are you glad Jacqueline and Teresa are still friends? Do you think Kathy’s cannolis are likely edible?
While you ponder those questions, take a look at this preview clip from The Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Part 2 titled “A Sad Situation” in which Joe Gorga, Melissa and Teresa talk about the situation Teresa’s children are in right now: