‘Meh’-ami Social: Episode 2 “Single in Sobe” Original air date: 7/21/09
Miami Social is truly a show about nothing. These kids clean up nice and can take a good picture, but when the camera’s rolling they fail to exhibit any more life than stale cheese. The Old Navy mannequins are more intriguing. I’d actually have a cocktail or two with the Old Navy stiffs, but not this group of wooden, deluded adults who couldn’t make a top spin, much less Miami.
One of the main problems is that they spend too much time talking about being fabulous instead of actually being fabulous. They’re not even insane. That makes for good television. Give me Kim Zolciak, Gretchen Rossi, Kelly Bensimon, or Danielle/Beverly/Angela any day over these piles of overheated oatmeal. A steaming helping of crazy served on top of a spicy past with a garnish of blatant lies is what I crave. After an episode of Miami Social I still don’t feel full, but I don’t want seconds.
Here’s a bit of a recap:
Lina, George French’s lying Russian girlfriend, is supposed to be crazy. And I guess she is, but in a generic way. This episode opens with her asking George to pick her up at the airport after she lied about being in New York for work when she was actually in St. Bart’s for work. George is so boring that I don’t really care if Lina is cheating on him, or if he can trust her. After a brief little fight George ultimately goes to pick her up after she tells him to get his ass in the car. They argue on the ride back. Lina calls him an “uptight ass” after he exits the car.
Next we have Katrina Champins and Michael Cohen at the dog park. The most interesting thing that happens here is a shot of a dog pooing. Michael and Katrina’s relationship revolves around him calling her to go out places so he can talk about boys he likes, namely his trainer, who has a boyfriend. He goes on about how wonderful his life is and then he realizes how terribly and horribly alone he is. Katrina, with a marked lack of conviction, assures him he will find love. The whole scene was a bland cocktail of mid-thirties angst and contrived friendship.
Maria then has lunch with her 13-year-old daughter Angelika, who’s a saucy little broad with more personality in her middle finger than the whole rest of the cast. Angelika’s getting shipped off to a Switzerland boarding school, and Maria wants to warn Angelika about kissing people with herpes. Angelika turns all this uncomfortable sex talk back on Maria by firing back at her more quickly than she can dish it. According to 13-year-old Angelika, Maria “mingles a lot.”
Next up is Katrina with her ex-husband Ben Moss. In a voice-over Ben says that he likes to hang out with Katrina at least once a week. Oh, and they also work together. The only difference in their relationship now seems to be that Ben gets to sleep with different women on his new divorce mattress. He even tells Katrina that he’s not looking for a “future wife.” Something tells me that Katrina and Ben are still sleeping together as well. Someone needs to tell them this isn’t a divorce, it’s an open marriage.
We actually a lot of Katrina Champins this episode, and it turns out she doesn’t do much but sit around looking a little sad. She says she’s a work-a-holic, but the only time we’ve seen her work was an odd scene in the first episode where she can’t correctly calculate a property’s price by square footage. She also likes to interject from time to time that she hasn’t experienced any trouble with the recession and the complete mortgage meltdown that’s devasted Miami as well as the rest of the world. You see, she only sells houses to celebrities.
Katrina is a much sought after woman, Sorah wants her company too. She calls up Katrina and tells her to cancel work ’cause they’re going “paddling,” which was just an excuse cooked up by the producers to get more bikini in this episode. Katrina can’t keep her balance and ends up in the drink quite a bit.
It’s about time for Angelika to head off to school in another country, so naturally that means Maria must try on her daughter’s outfits and call herself a “hot mama.”
After a hard day at work, Hardy has a beer with George and they talk about Lina briefly. Hardy seems to want to marry his girlfriend of six years, Trixia Angel. They’ve been engaged twice already, and after George talks about his elopement with Sorah, Hardy decides he might as well just go ahead and “knock it out.”
As Maria drives Angelika to the airport she tells her the most important bit of motherly advice ever “Do NOT go around wrinkled.”
Hardy has dinner with Trixia. She nags him about having kids already, saying she “needs a baby very soon.” Ariel calls him about some birthday party thing and warns that a few ugly people will be attending. Hardy has to run off to said party, leaving Trixia looking sad with too tiny scoops of frozen yogurt they were gonna have for dessert. It was heart-wrenching.
While at the party Ariel tells some chick she looks like Sandra Bernhard, to which Hardy immediately interjects “No! I think she’s beautiful.” Ariel then says he thought it was a compliment because Sandra Bernhard was friends with Madonna.
Michael’s planning his 36th birthday party. He doesn’t want anything cheesy, but he HAS to have disco balls hanging in trees. Because “disco is always chic.”
Then the whole group go out for their weekly “cocktail hour” thing in which they all must interact with each other. Michael says that he wanted a boyfriend that day because it was raining. Katrina says she wants to remarry Ben, then tries to pretend she was joking. Then Ariel mentions Kim Kardashian and Michael, being the celebrity writer that he is, doesn’t miss a beat: “Kim Kardashian is a reality wh*re, I don’t want to see her.” Ariel then responds with the best line of the show:
“Half the things you write are about 70% not true.”
Well said, Ariel, well said. Also, Ariel and Kim are bestest friends, and if you don’t believe him, just Google that sh*t. Ariel’s so ruffled about his buddy Kim that he leaves the gathering, only to be replaced by a very twitchy George.
Sorah notices how tweaker George isn’t looking his best and asks him what’s wrong. He says some things about the mortgage market being bad. Katrina jumps in to remind everyone that her clients are entertainers and athletes with bazillions of dollars, so she can’t possible understand, but still feels bad. It’s touching really, like Americans that are sad about the situation in Africa, but don’t really know what it’s like. Sorah isn’t satisfied that George could possibly be stressed out during the worst mortgage crisis of our time and insists that it’s his crazy Russian girl that’s giving his face the major shakes.
Michael picks out a tuxedo shirt, an ill-fitting suit-like-thing, and hipsterish red sneakers for his birthday bash. I blame the pink champagne he just swallowed.
Back to Katrina, looking wooden and sad again. Her best buddy Ben tells her she needs to take some time off for herself. They go visit her mother, who thinks Ben is hot stuff and tells Katrina that she’ll never, ever, ever find a man that hot again.
While Sorah is making dinner with her new man Gonzolo, Lina storms in complaining about George. They console Lina and tell her to calm down.
It’s time for Michael’s party and he’s late. Katrina calls his outfit “edgy.” Michael says catty things to Ariel. I forget, but I’m sure Ariel said something mean about ugly people, Katrina is still in love with Ben, and George shows up with a replacement Lina. He calls the new girl, who also has an accent, a “hotter blond girl.”
At the end was a major teaser about one of the women being pregnant! Dear god, I hope that’s not true.
~ Carrie Glass
