Sheesh. There’s nothing like 30 or so minutes of heavy, will-they-or-won’t-they-go-to-jail-for-50-years talk to take all the joy out of a Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion. That said, it was infinitely more interesting (and depressing and joyless) than Part 1. Let’s get to the numbers!
0: Number of people who are surprised Teresa Giudice doesn’t know what a sociopath is. Or what facade means. Or karma.
0: Number of people who wanted to relive the Arizona trip. Why doesn’t Andy Cohen know that whole thing was boring? He seems pretty savvy.
1 million: Number of cool points Rosie Pierri gets for quitting smoking. Awesome, Rosie! Congrats!
4: Number of hugs Andy will allow per reunion. Enough, people! This is even more boring than the Arizona flashbacks.
1: Number of spin-off ideas we had during the reunion: Joemance. Premise: in an alternate universe, Joe Giudice is not facing serious charges and he’s total besties with his brother-in-law, Joe Gorga. Together, they travel New Jersey in search of the best pizza. Sometimes, there are food fights that involve lots of giggling. And sometimes, they skip.
2: Number of “jackasses” in the room, according to Joe Giudice. He is WAY OFF, like whoa. However, he did speak for the people: Teresa and her brother keep having the same argument over and over again, and it’s stupid, stupid, stupid. And annoying. And boring. And lots of other adjectives you don’t really want to associate with your one-time fave reality show.
0: Number of viewers who ever expected that the name Penelope Cruz would be brought up during a Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion.
1: Number of angry letters we suspect Penelope Cruz is writing for being dragged into this mess. Because Penelope Cruz is totally watching this.
2: Number of emotions that got mixed together when Caroline Manzo told us her husband’s father used to make him shovel the snow with a tablespoon: sadness, obviously. And confusion. A little bit of a tangent there, wouldn’t you say? Not sure we needed that example to understand that Al’s dad was a complicated dude.
1: Number of times Joe Giudice corrected Andy (and rightly so) during the reunion. And ever, probably.
1: Number of people apparently deemed not worthy of having the camera pan to her while she’s talking. Poor Kathy Wakile.
1000: Minimum number of people we assumed groaned along with us when they heard about the tell-all special (airing next Monday at 8 pm EST) There’s more of this?!
0: Sadly, this is the number of explanations we can come up with for why someone would be accused of tax evasion and fraud if they didn’t do anything fishy.
258: Random number we are using to describe how troubled we are by Jacqueline Laurita’s total about-face when it comes to Teresa. It will be interesting to see how long quiet Jacq lasts.
4: Maximum number of reasons people might feel bad for Teresa and Joe. And they are: Gia, Gabriella, Milania and Audriana.
3: Number of ideas Andy had that would make this reunion more interesting (ambushing the cast with Danielle Staub, Kim G. and/or Dina Manzo). May we also offer: “And now…Penelope Cruz, come on out!”
56: Number of minutes it took for us to come up with a reason to mention Melissa Gorga. “I’m stumped,” she said when asked what she would have done differently in prior seasons of the show. And like that, the Twitterverse exploded. How is #Imstumped not trending? Can we make that happen? Is it too late? Has the moment passed?
5: Number of seconds it took Teresa to prove that she has not changed or learned a single thing from anything that has happened to her on the show or off. Her final thoughts for the evening were about how Caroline called her superficial?! And how does she not see that harping over being hurt that she was called superficial is actually pretty freaking superficial?
3: Number of minutes after the reunion ended that it took Caroline to tweet that RHONJ Season 5 was her last. (Get ready for Manzo’d with Children, everyone! Or don’t, it’s your choice.)
What did you think of the conclusion to the Season 5 reunion? Are you tuning in for next week’s The Real Housewives of New Jersey Tell All? It has never-before-seen footage! Hopefully not from Arizona. If you haven’t yet decided, check out the video below, which includes one of the scenes we’ll be treated to!
