The next couple days are that special time of year just before March Madness sets in and April 15th is still seemingly distant on the horizon. It’s that time when our otherwise insufferable beginning of the workweek is occupied with excited idle chatter over Best Picture, Best Actress, Best Actor, Best Original Song and of course, the Worst Dressed!
It’s an American tradition where regular people get to sit back and take great pleasure in the fact that very famous and very wealthy people can spend a great deal of money on some seriously hideous outfits. We all take great joy in the assumption that if we were famous and if we were wealthy and if we were beautiful, we would would have chosen something dayum sexy!
We wouldn’t be a respectable celebrity blog if we didn’t pile on, so me and my unfamous, unwealthy, unbeautiful and unfashion knowledgeable self presents starcasm’s Top Ten Worst Dressed on the red carpet of the 82nd Oscar Awards! I’ll start off with number 10 and work my way up to the worstest of the worst. As is usually the case when I do a top ten list, I’ll try to create a nickname for each look and offer a biref explanation if merited. Okay, let’s get this thing started!
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10. Glampire
Actress Deborah Ann Woll makes the list not
so much for her dress (it actually looks nice
and does a great job of showing off her
fantastic figure) but more for the fact that she
decided to donate 14 gallons of blood just
before walking the red carpet! She looks like
she was carved by Michelangelo! Which would
be a good thing – if she were made of marble.
I decided to try a little experiment and lighten
up the background wall and erase the center
Oscar statue. You can see the shocking result
on the right! (Photo: Newscom)
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9. Black & White & Red All Under
Actress Diane Kruger wore an alternating black and off-white dress that came really, really close to being successful. But alas, the ruffled middle section of her layered wedding cake gown and the ragged train that looks like it was tailored by Diane Kruger’s brother Freddie combined with the frilly black boa constrictor were just enough to tank a valiant effort and land poor Miss Kruger at number 9. (Photo: Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)
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8. Circus Peanut
Actress Paula Patton proved picking pretty pregnancy dresses isn’t as easy as Heidi Klum makes it look. One question for Paula: Orange you wishing you had worn something else? (Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty Images)
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7. Green Cheese
Not to spoil the rest of the Top Five, but director Nick Park is the only man to make the countdown. (I debated on Robert Downey, Jr because his tennis shoes and blue tinted Elvis Costello glasses were certainly silly, but when I thought about it honestly I had to admit I liked the look.) Such is not the case with Park’s ridiculous over-sized shiny green bow tie. I don’t even think someone stratospherically cool (Brad Pitt, George Clooney) could make that thing work, and director Nick Park is far from stratospherically cool, although being the creator of Wallace and Gromit does qualify him as just plain cool. Sadly, just plain cool in an over-sized shiny green bow tie looks just plain bad. ( Photo: Frazer Harrison/Getty Images)
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6. Miley Scoliosis
Despite looking like an elegant undergarment, I think Miley’s dress would have been a success if she had just stood up straight! The entire time I was watching her I couldn’t help thinking that the dress was made too small and poor Miley had to stay hunched over or else her breasts would pop out. This little Hunchback of Nashville dame was so startlingly Quasimodo-esque she merits two photos! (Above Photo: John Shearer/Getty Images)
(Photo: Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)
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5. I Don’t Want To Go To There
She’s witty, she’s pretty, she’s from New York City. She’s the Palin imitatin’, Bush hatin’, every straight dude with a blog wishes they were datin’ sexiest nerd on the planet, and it pains me greatly to have to include her on this list. Usually Tina Fey disappoints by wearing a libido-deflating pair of man-pants, but this time around she took a chance by donning an actual dress. I’m a big fan of faux transparency on formal dresses, but not when I feel like I’m catching an under-the-hood glimpse at somebody’s grandma. That looks like the kind of dress you would find in the closet of a 60-year-old diner waitress with long fingernails and a worn out piece of gum she’s been loudly smacking for well over 12 years, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing (Thank you Tom Waits!), but it just doesn’t work on Playnerd’s Playmate of the Year! (Photo: ZumaPress)
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4. Crimson and Grover
The red carpet meets purple muppet in this puffy lavender disaster worn by Zoe Saldana of Pirates of the Caribbean fame. The top sparkly part of the dress looks great and makes me wonder what if there isn’t a sexy little dress underneath that violet Hawaiian pinata slip cover. If I’m dreaming about what’s under an attractive actress’s dress and I’m hoping it’s another dress, that’s a fashion fail. (Photo: Newscom)
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3. Sexless and the City
Once again I am forced to include one of my favorite celebrities on this list. The always charming, and usually quite gorgeous, Sarah Jessica Parker mysteriously decided that wearing a fabric tiara above her chest with a shapeless off-white satiny muumuu shower curtain hanging from it was the way to go. She took a famously feminine and curvaceous figure and completely neutered it! you could swap out Robert Pattinson’s head and you would just assume it was some sort of vampire church scene from the new Twilight movie. And if you’re going to go for the shapeless blob, at least add some texture or seams or colors or beads or chicken feet…. something! If Project Runway was like Top Chef and had a “Quick Fire” challenge, that’s what most of the outfits would look like. (Did I mention I’m a big Sarah Jessica Parker fan? I’m sorry SJ – you are too nice to deserve all this snark. But, you are also too attractive to wear that dress!) (Photo: Newscom)
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2. Rufflelupagus
Actress Vera Farmiga decided she would take the Oscar red carpet gamble that has claimed so many attractive young women over the years: huge, cascading ruffles. The rare occasions in which fashion success was achieved with this type of dress are so memorable, that I think actresses forget the hundreds and hundreds of failures. Such is the case with Vera Farmiga, who has become just another sad statistic. The Up In The Air star looks like a huge horrible cake decorating accident, but not in a good way. The usually full-on sexy Farmiga lost quite a bit of luster with this get up – I guess you might say she looked like a diamond in the ruffle. (Photo: Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)
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1. That’s So Raven
Actress and singer Jennifer Lewis looked frighteningly similar to a vulture as she circled about the red carpet looking to scavenge an Oscar. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get this feathered failure out of my brain. Now I know exactly what Edgar Allan Poe was talking about…
Then, methought, she looked a mess, her beauty hindered in that ugly dress
Worn by Jennifer whose foot-falls tinkled on the red carpet floor.
`Wretched,’ I cried, `Satan hath lent thee – by these devils he has clothed thee
Respite – respite from my memories of what Jennifer wore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget that dress she wore!’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’
