Top Ten Things You May Hear if Tiger Woods Returns to Play at The Masters

Tiger Woods plans to return to golf in 2010 at The Masters

UPDATE 3/16/10 – Tiger Woods announced in a statement released earlier today that he WILL in fact be returning to play at the 2010 Masters in Augusta! Read the full, unedited statement HERE.

According to a report from the Associated Press, two sources have stated that Tiger Woods’ return to professional golf will be none other than The Masters!  It is impossible to imagine what this otherworldly circus will be like, but “The Sports Guy” Bill Simmons (one of my favorite writers) has an idea of the kind of unprecedented comeback Tiger is facing.

In anticipation of what now seems like a probable reality, I would like to present my top ten list of things you may hear during the broadcast if Tiger Woods returns from his self-imposed exile to play at The Masters.

10. “There it is, a sin for the ages!”

9. “An interesting side note as Tiger is presented yet another green jacket.  He will also be receiving a replacement for two of his previous green jackets.  His spokesman mentioned something about stains.”

8. “It looks like Tiger and his caddy Steve Williams are going over yardage for this crucial approach.  Excuse me Jim, that’s actually Tiger’s little black book.”

7. “According to news sources, Fuzzy Zoeller has been paid one million dollars by The Augusta National Golf Club to avoid any questions in regards to Tiger Woods this week.”

6. “Just like Tiger Woods endorsement career CBS is proud to present to you The Masters free of commercial interruption.”

5. “There just doesn’t seem to be a hole out there, or a stroke for that matter, that Tiger hasn’t mastered.”

4. “Once again Augusta National has been lengthened to “Tiger Proof” the course.  When asked about this an unidentified female attendant stated”:

“Lengthening isn’t required for Tiger, I have all the proof I need.”

3. “Tiger is trying not only to catch Jack Nicklaus’ record of major victories, but apparently he is after another seemingly inapproachable number that Jack Nicholson achieved.”

2. Reporter: “Tiger, exactly how rough were the conditions at “Amen Corner?”

Tiger: “Listen I have stated that I will not answer questions about – oh you mean that ‘Amen Corner.’”

1. “The Masters, A tradition unliked by any mothers.”

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My first reaction to the news was stunned disbelief – I just assumed Tiger would get his feet wet in a less popular PGA event, possibly even in Europe where infidelity doesn’t seem to be as frowned upon as here in the States. But, if these reports are true, Tiger will be doing the exact opposite by making his return on the grandest stage in golf, the granddaddy of PGA events: The Masters in Augusta!

Tiger Woods at The Masters 2010

Once my brain stopped rattling I began to think that the move is rather genius. The Masters is absolutely impossible to get a ticket to because they are handed down from generation to generation seemingly dating back to the Civil War, so aside from extremely wealthy folks able to spend thousands and thousands of dollars on scalped tickets, there won’t be a huge influx of rabble-rousing spectators and media to deal with. Plus, The Masters is the most austere of all the PGA events, so the club’s staff and security will have absolutely ZERO tolerance for any sort of shenanigans or tom-foolery. (I’m imagining buxom young female streakers with numbers painted on them and people hurling Tiger Woods mistress golf balls on to the course.) All Tiger would need to do is not suck and he will have re-established himself in what will almost certainly be one of the most-watched sporting events in the history of television. If Tiger Woods makes his comeback at The Masters they will be broadcasting it in the stadium at the World Cup of Soccer! (If the timing’s right.)

Opening round for The 2010 Masters will begin on Thursday, April 8th. (It should be noted that, unlike Tiger, I was able to resist an urge – the urge to make a “Mastersbation” joke. I was actually planning on combining references to one of the greatest Master champions Jack Nicklaus with one of my favorite Conan O’Brien characters to create the Mastersbating Bear. But, I didn’t. I’m better than that.)

(The top photo was taken from our post “How Tiger Woods Sees Women.”)

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