As the news spreads that this season
will be the last for American Idol’s
Simon Cowell, rumors have begun to
swirl about who will be his
replacement. The talent evaluation
arm of Starcasm has assembled an
impressive A-list of possible suitors
for the infamous British Poo-Pooer’s
We all know that Simon’s shoes will
be impossible to fill as he moves over
to the Americanized version of his
popular British show The X Factor on
Fox next season – however, if one of
these ten impressive, stalwart, and
legendary curmudgeons were chosen to
counter the chronically pleasant trio
of Kara DioGuardi, Randy Jackson and
Ellen DeGeneres, we believe the
integrity of the phenomenally successful
American Idol recipe would be maintained and the show would be able to sustain it’s immense popularity for years to come!
10. Bernie Madoff
Credentials: Like Cowell, a man who knows how it feels to have more money than can be comprehended. A perfector of the Ponzi scheme, getting Americans to invest truckloads of money in something that otherwise might not sell at all. Used to the harsh negative spotlight. All around despised legend.
Quote: “The nature of any human being, certainly anyone on Wall Street, is the better deal you give the customer, the worse deal it is for you”.
Drawbacks: Mr. Madoff is currently spending the rest of his scheming life in prison at the Federal Correction Institution Butner Medium near Butner, North Carolina. All of his appearances would have to be live feeds from prison. The verbal spars just wouldn’t be as tasty via video conference as they would be face to face.
9. Mr. Montgomery Burns
Credentials: Perennial bullwhipper. Has a pack of hounds that can be released at his command for poor performances. Corporate hot shot with utter disregard for anything but a greenback dollar. Has a trademark expression “excellent” which could become a show staple. Believes he is indestructible due to a physical condition known as the “Three Stooges Syndrome” wherein a delicate balance is established by the presence in his body of every known disease and all newly found diseases unique to him, which, all trying to destroy his body simultaneously, mutually cancel each other out.
Quote: “What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man”?
Drawbacks: Will insist on bringing along his meddlesome assistant Smithers, which could be murder on ratings. His advanced age is a concern. It has been confirmed by Starcasm that his social security number is 000-00-0002. Mr. Burns once blocked out the sun to force residents of Springfield to use more power from his nuclear facility.
8. Any 7th Grade Pre-Algebra Teacher
Credentials: Hard core stickler for rules and regulations. Fearless in pointing out failures and mistakes. Gains pride and satisfaction in spreading misery and sorrow. Mean spirited nature that comes from a deep-seeded self loathing and life of regret.
Quote: “A car travels down the freeway at 55 kilometers per hour. Write an expression for the distance the car will have traveled after h hours. Distance equals rate times time, so the distance traveled is equal to 55……well Mr. Funny Britches would you like to share your little joke with the rest of the class?”
Drawbacks: Is uninterested in ever being anything but a 7th grade pre-algebra teacher. Alcohol. Number one priority is finding a spouse.
7. Triumph the Insult Comic Dog
Credentials: Possibly has a better arsenal of one liners than Mr. Cowell. Established TV career as part of the highly succesful Late Night with Conan O’Brien Show. Classic Hollywood gags including a prop cigar and an addictive catch phrase “for me to poop on”!
Quote: Speaking to Jon Bon Jovi. “So you’re acting now, you’re in a vampire movie, yes? That’s good. Finally, a role that requires you to suck.”
Drawbacks: His affiliation with Conan O’Brien which used to give him cred (see above) is no good now. NBC may fight fiercely from allowing Triumph to work for Fox. His act may be a little too adult for primetime. Many advertisers would be turned away due to Triumph’s presence.
6. Melvin Udall
Credentials: A curmudgeon of historical proportions. Biting monologues that can slice and dice the most eager Idol performer. A deeply buried sense of responsibility and emotional attachment. An awkward despite himself magician with the ladies. A great writer and a cash hoarding workaholic.
Quote: “It’s not true. Some have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that’s their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you’re that pissed that so many others had it good.”
Drawbacks: Is dealing with issues that stem from his obsessive-compulsive disorder. A severe germophobe he may be likened to fellow sufferer Howie Mandel. Never good for ratings to be linked to Howie Mandel. Is he “As Good As It Gets?
5. Angela Martin
Credentials: Simply unflappable. Experienced money manager at Dunder Mifflin as the lead accountant for the Scranton branch. Fiercely proud of her slender figure she has bragged that she weighs 90 pounds and wears a children’s size ten.
Quote: “The Finer Things Club was not sanctioned by the Party Planning Committee. Renegade clubs are dangerous. I squashed the Weight Loss Buddy Support Group. They didn’t need to gather. It was just gross.”
Drawbacks: A reported homophobia that causes her to dislike Will and Grace may cause a problem with performers ala Adam Lambert and possible co-judge Ellen Degeneres. Has a past of work fraternization that might not sit well with Fox executives. Is in a severe depression over the loss of her cat Sprinkles at the hands of coworker Dwight Schrute.
4. Gunnery Sergeant R. Lee Ermey
Credentials: If anyone can whip fresh off the farm Idol wannabes into lean mean hit producing machines it would be the fierce, throat shouting Mr. R. Lee Ermey. Extensive movie and TV experience including Full Metal Jacket, Mississippi Burning, Saving Silverman, Mail Call, and Scrubs. His interaction with his fellow judges would be mind blowing.
Quote: “If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war. But until that day you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth.”
Drawbacks: Tirades can go on too long. Uses language most appropriate for pay channels. May seem too much of a Cowell clone due to the similar hairstyle. Insists that his judge’s chair be scrubbed daily with a toothbrush.
3. Mola Ram
Credentials: Only one but a good one, he can physically dislodge a beating heart from someone’s chest.
Quote: “You are in a position unsuitable to give orders.”
Drawbacks: Has not been seen since reportedly being eaten alive by crocodiles on a rope bridge near Pankot Palace. Bad career decision to play villain to Indiana Jones.
2. William Zabka
Credentials: You want someone who can push folks around? You want Hollywood? You want no one messing with your Dojo!?! No one has ever played the bully like Mr. William Zabka. Johnny Lawrence from Karate Kid, Greg Tolan in Just One of the Guys, Chas Osborne in Back to School, incredible! Idol contestants would fall like so many dominoes at the feet of the bully master Mr. Zabka.
Quote: “Here. You’ll need to fill this out and send it in, okay? Just so they’ll know where to claim the body.”
Drawbacks: Has put on a little weight since his 80’s heyday. Other than that we’re talking about number two folks!
1. Eric Cartman
Credentials: Street cred, TV cred, Hollywood cred, youth cred, hip crowd cred, Eric Cartman is an everycred supernova. The “South Park Samurai” would bring it harder, longer, and with more conviction than Simon Cowell could ever dream of. Don’t believe us ask Scott Tenorman about his parents. One can only dream of a young starry-eyed kid from the heartland belting out a tune, followed by silence and then the camera switches to Cartman. Nightly fallout, there simply would be nothing else we could talk about around the old work water cooler.
Quote: “Nah nah nah nah naaaaaaah nah, I made you eat your parents.”
Drawbacks: Not applicable.