5/08/09 – I’ve started a Tami Farrell Media Circus post that I hope to update daily as this snowball grows out of control.
Start the countdown now! Miss California runner-up Tami Farrell’s fifteen minutes begin in 4, 3, 2…
Given all the controversy surrounding current Miss California Carrie Prejean, it is only a matter of time before she will lose her title to Tami Farrell, who finished second to Carrie in the 2009 Miss California Pageant and is already making preparations for the passing of the crown. Needless to say, we will all soon be inundated with Tami’s opinions on gay marriage, nudity and global warming. That will last about 48 hours and then we’ll begin to see the keg party cell phone photos, anti-Muslim emails, raunchy interviews with former boyfriends, a stalker arrest and a rumored sex tape. In an attempt to convince Tami to be starcasm’s exclusive spokesmodel (Spaghetti Cat will remain our Spokesfeline), let me be the first to defend the honor and tout the glory of the beautastic Tami Farrell!
I suppose I should start with an introductory biographical snapshot. Tami won the 2003 Miss Teen USA pageant as a representative of the great state of Oregon. She was crowned Miss Malibu in 2009 and finished runner-up to Carrie Prejean in the 2009 Miss California pageant. She has recorded some songs, three of which can be heard on her myspace page. Ummm…that’s about it.
My Tami fetish started when I ran across this elegant masterpiece of graphic designery showcasing Tami as Miss Malibu 2009. (The designer rode Tami’s coattails of hawtness and took home top honors at the annual Malibu Elementary School Photoshop Awards)
What I see here are three different potential futures for Tami. The background photo (Who isn’t a sucker for black paisley jackets and superfluous shoulder buttons?!?) would suggest a career as a country singer. She’ll sing songs about four wheelers and brown liquor and make videos starring herself in jeans, boots and a button-up white shirt tied at the bottom walking around on an elevated stage while overweight bubbas with beards and flannel hoot and holler. She’ll marry some tall good ol’ boy country singer (who also keeps his thumbs in the front pockets of his jeans 90% of the time) and they’ll raise a family while on tour together playing state fairs and opening for Kenny Chesney. (Meh)
When my eyes move on to the large oval-framed image of those two luscious sash-sharing hair twins in Wal-Mart dresses, I instantly think: Paris Hilton. She already has the most important accessory: Nicole Richie! All Tami needs to do is mellow out that pageant smile, get a chi-hua-hua and upgrade her wardrobe by a few thousand dollars. (Oh, and start sharing her congenialities with any dude that has a tattoo, myspace page and video camera) I will be first in line at the Tami Farrel My New BFF tryouts!
The third photo is the most promising of all. I see “franchise” written all over it. Miss Malibu needs to pack her bags and get on a plane to Florida tomorrow! Call up the folks at Disney and set up a meeting! If you need an agent to speak for you, just let me know, because I can’t imagine an easier sell than “Tami Miami.” Miley won’t know what hit her! (I will refrain from inserting a Rihanna joke here) Plus, Tami is a writer as well! She’s currently working on a book and some television pilots. (Even as a gossip site sarcastically kissing Tami’s booty, I have to admit those are probably horrendous) You can hear about it in this video interview with Tami from the Bel Air Film Festival. (Tami’s star power is so bright it often causes overexposure and loss of color when trying to video or photograph her)
And here’s Tami in the Miss Teen USA pageant answering the tough question, “If you could get your generation to do one more thing, what would it be and why?” (Fast forward to the 1:10 mark for Tami’s response)
You might think that was a horribly generic and canned response to a horribly generic and canned question, but that was just pageantry genius at work! She could have been all Prejeany and said, “Our generation needs to get rid of the gays,” but would that have won her the Miss Teen USA 2003 crown? I don’t think so! (It was odd that she zigged with the “technology” thing and then zagged back into “self-confidence” safe mode, but that’s just nit-picking)
There is no way someone uneducated in the nuances of the pageantry world could fully appreciate Tami’s greatness, so I will yield the floor to the more qualified writers over at pageant.com, who obviously “get” Tami’s beauty in ways I could never understand:
Some cute girls are not beautiful, and some beautiful girls are not cute. With Ms. Farrell, it’s hard to say, because she takes “cute” further than anybody we’ve ever seen. When she smiles, it doesn’t even matter if she’s beautiful.
During the swimsuit competition in last year’s pageant, one of our writers said, “Who would have thought she would have such a terrific body! She looks so goody-goody.”
Another replied, “The less she wears, the more wholesome she looks.”
People in the pageant business who have gotten to know Ms. Farrell rarely speak of her in pageant terms. “Tami Farrell was there,” one says. “That was Tami on the phone. Such a nice girl!” says another. She’s Miss Teen USA, but the title doesn’t define her.
That is pure literary Zen right there. My brain is frozen in meditation.
“The less she wears, the more wholesome she looks.” Ommmmmmmmm.
“Tami Farrell was there,” one says. Ommmmmmmm.
Here are some more glorious photos of Tami Postjean with links to their various sources on the web. Be sure to check out her wikipedia entry as well as her PageantryMagazine.com blog from her time as Miss Teen USA! (Miss Farrell – if you are interested in being the starcasm spokesmodel, shoot me an email at email@example.com. It’s only fair to warn you that I’ll have to pay you in doodles)