With Project Runway still caught up in a legal battle between their new home network Lifetime and their previous network Bravo, we’ve been forced to get our b*tch ‘n’ stitch fix from crumby rumors and secondhand Fashion Week reports. But, we received a brief reprieve from our crumb diet thanks to our favorite donkey-voiced rock-a-billy filly Kenley Collins!
The New York Post reports that Kenley was placed under arrest Tuesday after attacking her fiance Zak Penley. Normally that would be just another crumb – or multiple crumbs if you consider there are three remarkable things about the story already: Kenley was arrested, someone actually wants to marry a spoiled, whinier and less curvy version of Fran Drescher, and her name would laughably become Kenley Penley. All crumbs! BUT, The New York Post gives us what amounts to a full slice of bready yumminess with these details:
According to law enforcement sources, an enraged Collins woke Penley up just after 7 a.m. by hurling their cat in his face. Then she threw her laptop, and as he fell crawled on the floor, slammed a door on his head.
She threw three apples, and doused him with water, before he was able to dial 911.
“You’re lucky, it could have been worse,” Collins told Penley after the blow, according to sources.
Ah…sweet, sweet Kenley! That is just how I imagined waking up with her would be! Poor Zak must have said Kenley’s outfit made her look like a pink snake, but not in a good way. Or maybe he left her tulle at the fabric store? The Post has a wonderful quote from their neighbor, which could have been lifted right off the pages of Duh! magazine: “Lately there has been a lot of yelling. I can hear Kenley much louder than I can hear Zak. When she speaks, she yells. Since she moved in around September there have been a lot of noise problems.”
OK. I’ll be the first to admit that slamming a fiance’s head in the door and throwing either apples, bottled water, or laptops at someone is funny stuff, but there’s something about this incident that requires me to do a rare thing – be serious for a moment.
Starcasm has a source close to New York City that tells me the weapon used in the feline portion of the attack is the highly controversial ACK-47, a hideously inhumane weapon banned in every country in the world except the United States and Columbia. More commonly referred to as a “catapult” or a “meowitzer,” the deadly device can be purchased at nearly any gun show, flea market or elementary playground in the country, with some homemade versions turning up in rural areas of the south. Criminals prefer the weapon not only because of the mass destruction it can wreak, but because death by meowitzer is completely untraceable – indistinguishable in an autopsy from a normal, everyday fatal cat attack. Because of this, statistics on meowitzer deaths are sketchy at best, and the true scale of the murderous epidemic is unknown.
So please people, let’s take this otherwise hilarious story about an annoying, stuck-up 1950s valley girl reality star and use it to make the world a better place. Support a ban on the ACK-47 catapult. Contact your senator or congressman and tell them to stop worrying about Wall Street and get these weapons of mass destruction off Main Street!
As for fiance Zak, we strongly suggest you Project Runaway, and do it fast!
* I should note that PETA has been slow to come out against the meowitzer because some studies have shown being ammewnition is kinda fun for the cats.
In lieu of new Project Runway episodes, here’s some classic Kenley:
For a brief summary of the PR legal battle and Heidi Klum’s request that fans of the show should protest in the producer’s front yard, check out bravofan’s article here.
****UPDATE 3/19/09 – TMZ has an exclusive low quality photo of Kenley handcuffed and being taken away by the po-po.
****UPDATE 3/20/09 – ARGH! More info! Instead of continuing to add to this entry, I’ve created a brand new post with all the latest on our favorite tugboat captain’s daughter, including her split from Zak – just click here to catch up!
