KEANEWS! Keanu Reeves Innocent!

Updating a previous story, a unanimous jury found Keanu Reeves not guilty today in a civil case filed by paparazzo Alison Silva.
Keanu Reeves found innocent
(We assume this Alison feller’s 15 minutes of fame are over, so we’ll use up our stockpile of derogatory Alison Silva starcasmisms now.) For paparazzo Alisonofab*tch Silva, today’s verdict was a dark cloud over the courtroom to which there was no Silva lining. The fragile-wristed waitdontbackuppleasestoparazzo got $0 of the $711,974 he was seeking in damages. Pappy Silva sued because of the severity of the injury to his wrist caused by Keanu Reeves bumping him with his car while backing out of a parking space, but during the Brady Bunch-esque trial, the slowtographer was revealed to be full of bullsilva. The AP reports:

“Over the course of four days, jurors heard how Silva gave contradictory statements about what happened and even saw a video of the celeb shooter using his supposedly damaged hand to scale down a chain link fence after getting video of Britney Spears.”

Not only was his wrist healthy, but the jurors got to see video footage of the man “at work” in a profession devoid of respect. We’re waiting for the sequel “12 Angry Men II” in which 12 sequestered jurors deliberate for five straight days, desperately trying to avoid having to say “Keanu Reeves is right.”

It must be tough to compete in an “I’m not an idiot” competition with Keanu Reeves and walk away with the Silva medal.

That’s all of the Alison Silvaisms we have. So, in the words of Joaquin Phoenix, we say a heartfelt, “BYE! GOOD”

Subscribe to Starcasm by Email