1. Launching a book involves lots of sequins, a tiara, and at least four chiseled men wearing nothing but underpants.
2. Remember to showcase your massive, overly-bronzed, fake breasts.
3. When interviewed, hint like crazy that your ex husband cheated on you and say that his time out with the kids is famewhoring.
4. Hire a barely competent ghostwriter with competitive prices.
5. Spend any money you saved on the ghostwriter on a very competent lawyer who can shoot down any lawsuits your ex-husband may file while you’re flapping your lips trying to sell books.
I know that when I publish my international bestseller Cubic Zirconia, I will follow this advice to a “t”. But enough about me, Katie Price launched her ghostwritten book Sapphire yesterday, and she will for sure win a nobel prize for literature. Or fashion, if they have that category. They should.
She found some really hot pieces to escort her to the book signing, including the guy she was partying with in Ibiza. She also sort-of, maybe, kinda called Peter Andre a cheater while discussing her book (which she probably hasn’t read). She has at least read the first sentence of Sapphire’s summary because she drew some parallels to her own life, saying to GMTV yesterday:
‘Was Pete not faithful? I don’t know. Was he? I never said anything. Well, you know when you split up with someone you hear things, so who knows what’s true, what’s not? But as far as I know I think he was faithful.’
That comment ruffled Peter’s feathers and he took to his own column for New! magazine to fire back:
“I can hold my head up high and say I’ve been 100 percent faithful throughout my marriage and still am. And any reports suggesting otherwise are totally hurtful and false.”
He also says he’s going to seek “legal action” because of her “defamatory” comments. Jordan shouldn’t be too worried because it sounds like he’s just seeking to get in on the “media attention” for Jordan’s “book-selling comments.”
On to the real business here. If the sequins, man-muscles, manufactured ex-spousal drama and cast-iron boobies were not enough not running off to Amazon to get your very own copy of Sapphire, Katie Price’s fourth forray into not actually writing a book, then read the summary below:
Sapphire Jones doesn’t believe in relationships anymore – not since she caught her husband in bed with another woman. Now Sapphire only sees men on her terms which is why her current lover is younger than her, good looking, doesn’t place any emotional demands on her [so far, fingers crossed] and is great in bed. What more does a girl need? Sapphire puts all her passion into running her own business – a high end lingerie and hen weekend company. She is doing well and life seems pretty good until she meets a very handsome, charming businessman who seems more than a match for Sapphire. Then things go badly wrong at the hen party she has planned for a soap star and tabloid darling. The evening is one that everyone will be talking about for all the wrong reasons and Sapphire faces front page headlines all of her own…Suddenly her business is in jeopardy, her well-controlled private life is falling apart, and in the middle of all this Sapphire realises that she is not immune to love after all, but has she left it too late?
~ Carrie Glass