Donald Trump Announces Carrie Prejean To Retain Miss California Crown

Donald Trump allows Carrie Prejean to keep her title

In a press conference held earlier today, the head of the Miss Universe pageant Donald Trump said current Miss California Carrie Prejean will keep her Crown. The Don held peace talks between Prejean and Miss California representatives Shanna Moakler and Keith Lewis, and the two sides have agreed that there is a middle ground in which Carrie will be able to fulfill her role and represent the state of California while not having to compromise her personal beliefs. (I’m typing this but I have no idea what it means)

The real significance of the press conference is that it marks the beginning of the end of America’s fascination with Carrie Prejean. We will find newer, more controversial breasts to look at on our computers at work, and the late night talk show discussions will become shorter and shorter and later and later until … POOF! So let’s take this moment to remember the greatest Miss USA runner-up of all time:

Goodbye Carrie Prejean
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to hold yourself
While those around you crawled
They crawled out of the woodwork
And they whispered into your brain
They set you on the pageant stage
And they called your answer lame

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never knowing who to cling to
When the rain set in
And I would have liked to have known you
But I was just a kid
Your candle burned out long before
Your legend ever did

Loneliness was tough
The toughest role you ever played
Miss USA created a superstar
And pain was the price you paid
Even when you lied
Oh the press still hounded you
All the papers had to say
Was that Carrie was photoed in the nude

Goodbye Carrie Prejean
From the young man who’ll surely mourn ya
Who sees you as something more than sexual
More than just our Miss California


Here are thumbnails of some of the photos she talks about that hit the internet earlier today. (Click the image to see the full size photos over at TMZ)

Some important facts I learned from the press conference:

In professional magazine photoshoots there are extended periods of time during which a model’s breasts are accidentally flapping in the wind.

During these extended periods of time, models may look like they are striking poses to accentuate their toplessnicity, but that is no excuse for the photographer to keep taking photos. (Confession – I learned some of this from looking at the latest batch of Carrie’s berries photos that showed up on TMZ today, which don’t appear to be taken subversively and don’t appear to be a series of windy wardrobe malfunctions. Maybe I’m wrong, though. I’ll keep looking.)

Carrie’s grandfather was a World War II veteran that fought for her right to get breast implants, wear next to nothing in front of millions of people and give her honest response to politically charged questions asked by a flamboyantly gay celebrity gossip blogger. (I meant that sentence to be sarcastic but when I reread it I kinda like it! Good ol USofA! “But ain’t that America? Little pink houses for you and me!”)

People don’t care what women have to say unless they are “totally beautiful.”

Prancing young women around in bikinis on a stage and judging them on how attractive they are is a method of empowering women. (I did not know that! I always felt kinda bad for stopping on a pageant show when flipping channels – I had no idea I was actually empowering women! Maybe I should head down to the Bada Bing and empower some women there. I’ll be sure to bring a lot of one dollar bills and politically charged questions!)