I’ve been a little slack on posts of late and I feel personally responsible for millions and millions of people not knowing what is going on with the likes of Amy Winehouse, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Amy is back in the Caribbean after a short visit to England. Paris has devalued one of the F’s in BFF by ditching last season’s winner of the “reality” competition show Paris Hilton’s My New BFF. She’s also seriously dating Doug Reinhardt, getting into brawls at nightclubs, and dressing like the leading lady from the “If they mated” movie Tronrunner.
Lindsay’s recent activities are far too complicated to be summed up in a couple sentences. Actually, her beyond-rock-bottom career free fall is deserving of a Shakespeare tragedy! (Or at least a special two hour episode of Intervention.) But, all I can offer is a multi-media timeline of her downward spiraling since the last time we checked in – which was about the time of her arrest warrant.
3/14 – A warrant is issued for Lindsay Lohan’s arrest stemming from an alleged parole violation. In the ensuing media madness, Lohan shows up at Jack Nicholson’s house looking for assistance, to which Jack’s voice can be heard through the front gate intercom saying, “Whatya want me to do, honey?” (Of course, Lindsay’s driver bumped the wall as they pulled in)
3/14 – Police, paperazzi and onlookers gather outside of Samantha Ronson’s apartment as the couple argue inside. Shouting and loud noises can be heard and the cat fight even broke a window.
3/16 – Lindsay’s arrest warrant is recalled after her lawyer showed proof of her compliance with her parole agreement. Lilo enrolls in a new alcohol education program
3/20 – In an interview with Nylon magazine, Lohan reveals that she is a little worried about her financial situation with quotes like, “It’s scary when you realize, ‘Oh my God, I’m not working. And have a house to pay for now.'” And her delusional state of mind is revealed when she gives us her take on what was surely a Sean Penn brush-off: “I’m talking to a lot of people right now. One is Sean Penn – I spoke to him again the other day. We’re trying to get Seth Rogen for this project, but Seth won’t call us back. So call us back, Seth, if you’re reading this!” (To which Seth replied in an interview with Moviefone, “”That is not … That’s the first I had heard of that. And my assistant hadn’t heard it either. I can tell you that she hasn’t called me. If she has, I haven’t heard about it. [But] I would call her back, sure! I’d return a call.”)
3/20 – Lindsay’s ridiculous commercial for Fornarina hits the web. This looks like something from a Christopher Guest Behind the Music spoof, or else a commercial made exclusively for the Hello Kitty-crazed Asian market.
3/24 – Lilo was riding shotgun when her assistant rear-ended a Subura in a brand new $100,000 Maserati, which as it turns out was on loan to Lohan from porn director Dennis de Santis. (I’m scared that Lindsay might “work out a deal” to pay him back)
3/26 – It is revealed that Lindsay Lohan’s movie Labor Pains will not have a theatrical release in the US, but will instead debut on ABC Family in July. (How often does an ABC Family channel movie get a trailer? Poor Cheryl Hines is collateral damage.)
4/2 – Lohan crashes the stage during Lily Allen’s performance of the Britney Spears song “Womanizer” in L.A. (Lily, Lilo and Brit Brit! How’s that for a tri-fecta of pop tartegery?!?) Fast forward to the 3:30 mark for Lindsay’s brief, confused appearance. (The concert crashing itself isn’t all that important, but it represents Lohan’s friendship with fellow basket case Lily Allen, which has only sped up Lindsay’s – and Lily’s – free-fall.)
4/4 – The first indication that the Samantha Ronson/Lindsay Lomance might really be over. OK Magazine reports that five security guards denied Lindsay entrance into a party celebrating Samantha Ronson’s sister’s line of clothing for JC Penney (huh?) Samantha was DJing the event and according to the magazine’s source, the guards had specific instructions to not allow Lindsay into the party. “While LiLo couldn’t get beyond the guardians at the gate, other celebs, including Nicole Richie, Molly Sims, Sting and Jewel, had no problem getting into the event. Even Paris Hilton was welcome.”
4/5 – Seemingly confirming the permanent break-up rumors, X17online.com posts a video of a locksmith changing the locks at Samantha Ronson’s house.
OK – That pretty much gets you all caught up! Now, since keeping up with Lindsay is a full-time job and I would like to be able to poke fun at other deserving celebrities, I’m gonna clear my Lohan schedule for the next few days by predicting what will happen in the near future.
4/11 – To pay for the repairs on the borrowed Maserati, Lindsay begins filming of Herbie Fully Unloaded, an adult movie co-starring the equally down-on-his-luck Love Bug.
4/12 – Completes filming for Herbie Fully Unloaded.
4/15 – Releases her new spray tan product Sevin Nyne, which is later revealed to contain actual agent orange, resulting in the deaths of both people that used it.
4/18 – Yet another arrest warrant is issued for Lindsay, but Lilo manages to evade federal prosecution by relocating to St. Lucia where she is able to live rent-free as part of the island’s new tourist attraction “Dumbassic Park” which features Winehouse safaris and a celebrity petting zoo.
7/23/32 – Lohan resurfaces for a remake of Mean Girls that also features a cameo by second-term President Tina Fey.