Hardy Hill and Trixia Angel‘s workout gets interrupted by Ariel Stein, who is getting a desk made for him. The desk has been carved on for a year, and it’s still not done, so Ariel’s going to check on it. We find ourselves in the presence of the “greatest desk the world has seen.” It’s a grandiose gilded mess of lions and angels and ridiculous proportions. Aside from all the excess moldings and carvings, the desk isn’t really that impressive, it’s just overly ornamented and big. Ariel tells the guy he wants diamonds in the lions’ eyes. There are only four stars on it as well, which is NOT ENOUGH. The guy says they were gonna put five stars in, and Ari says he wants SIX stars! Six! Because he always wants ONE MORE of everything!
Ariel also can’t wait for Donald Trump to see his desk, because he would die, also the Macintosh guy, Bill Gates, would sh*t bricks over this. He really said that mess.
Cut to Sorah and George having dinner. George suffered bite marks from Lina to get there, so he must really secretly be in love with Sorah. To further that theory George asks about Sorah’s sex life, probing to see if it’s true that “Gonzo” is the best she’s ever had. Sorah doesn’t deny that Gonzo is probably better in bed than George and then tells George she wants him to find “somebody” as in “not Lina, the pants-slashing lying, possible prostitute hand-biter.” George says that Lina and Sorah are both crazy, and Sorah storms off. You can tell this is serious because she leaves behind an undrunk cocktail.
Maria talks briefly with her daughter, and gets bored quickly.
George shows up wearing jeans from his “Russian Tailor.” Ariel and Michael have a fight over who owns Katrina. Hardy decides he’s not going to marry Trixia because there’s a 50% chance they’ll get divorced.
Katrina later reveals that she wants to take Ariel on as a pet project and teach him how to be human. She just can’t believe that someone would be “that bad down deep inside.”
Katrina’s sister doesn’t want to end up like her work-a-holic sister. Ben mocks Katrina.
George and Lina have lunch. George is hungover and Lina is nauseous from her pregnancy act or whatever she’s up to. George doesn’t take the hint that she’s suffering from baby sickness. He must not have seen the promo after last week’s episode. Lina tries to needle George about Sorah. George says that Lina and Sorah should hang out, be best friends.
Michael is hanging out with Maria again, and tells her to clean while he works on his big, important work, which is a three-sentence story about how Nicky Hilton isn’t getting married. This endeavor takes a glass of wine and half a pack of cigarettes to complete. He’s obviously trying to rock some sort of “writer’s life” stereotype.
Maria notes that Nicky’s inheritance isn’t all that big, really. Which is true, and why Paris is trickin’ herself out to the public like a hard-up two-dollar hooker.
Hardy and Katrina are having dinner with Ariel in an attempt to teach him how to be a nice person. Ariel starts the evening off with style by telling Hardy that the miso soup he ordered will make him fat. Katrina asks him what’s the deal with his fat obsession and Ariel says “I sued to be faT. When I was young, I was faT.” Extra emphasis on the T. It was a very D-movie after-school special dramatic confession. Ariel then tries to save himself by saying “I’ve met some amazing fat girls.” At this point I’d bet 5 dollars he’s talking about his “best friend” Kim Kardashian, who is by Ariel’s standards, fat.
Katrina then moves to other items in Ariel’s life, like what he plans to do for a living (besides, of course living off of his Wearable Towel fortune). He’s designing a fashion line (no doubt involving towels) as a start to building an empire of EVERYTHING. Ariel is almost, almost fascinating he’s so ridiculous. When they point out that he needs to focus on a few things instead of EVERYTHING, Ariel retorts that his family is involved in EVERY industry in the world.
Hardy then gives an appropriate side-eye to the camera.
At this point I kind of like Katrina and Hardy for being reasonable people with brains in their heads instead of the odd mixture of steamed cabbage and purple unicorns that currently take up space in Ariel’s skull.
