(Here’s the article just as it would have looked if Jennifer Garner was still pregnant)

Trying to set the world record for longest celebrity pregnancy, actress Jennifer Garner is still providing room and board for Violet’s future little sister or brother. Once again, our amazing paperazzo has pulled off the impossible and obtained an exclusive sonogram taken earlier today!

Subscribe to Starcasm by Email

Subscribe to Starcasm by Email

In a recent interview for Blender magazine, Fall Out Boy bassist (and husband of Ashlee Simpson) Pete Wentz cries a river of vinegar and water over his online reputation as the douchiest of the douche bags.

“I was letting the blogs get to me. It’s semi-frustrating when your name actually becomes a synonym for douche bag.”

No question Pete looks the part: decked out head to toe in Hot Topics gear; his arms, neck and navel all have the appropriate generic goth tattoos; and on his head is the most ridiculously lame hairdo on the planet that is best described as a windswept Addam’s Family facial combover. But, it is P Wenty’s douchetastic actions that have separated him from the competition, especially since his marriage to Ashlee Simpson.

Granted, the pre-Ashlee stunt of pulling his pants down and taking pictures of his “fall out boy” with a cell phone and then having them “accidentally” turn up on the internet is a grade-A douchebag maneuver, but getting married and becoming a father has amplified his repulsive fratboy rocker actions and elevated him to douche superstar level. The FTW (for the win) moment that cemented Pete’s place in the Douchebag Hall of Fame (Somewhere in New Jersey) was a recent appearance on Howard Stern’s radio show. (Douchebag alert! There’s about a 90% chance that if you’re male and you’re appearing on The Howard Stern Show and you’re not a freak of some kind, then you’re a douchebag.) During the interview, Pete describes his sex life with wife Ashlee in great detail, including the first time they hooked up:

“We were in the Soho Grand Hotel, and there was a mirror, and I was like, ‘Oh my God, you’re banging the girl of your dreams and you’re watching it right now.‘”

Beautiful, romantic stuff. We won’t further woo the ladies with details of what Ashlee’s breast milk tastes like or how many years ago Pete would have considered a threesome with his wife and her sister Jessica because we have bigger fish to fry! (Actually, the same fish, but fried bigger!)

Running a snarky celebrity blog is partly predatory in nature, and Pete Wentz blubbering because the internet thinks his name is synonymous with douchebag is blood in the water to us! So, this great white snark is going in for the kill! We’re certain that constantly reading the words “Pete Wentz is a douchebag” can get a little boring, so we thought we might liven up Pete’s internet experience a bit with some creative ways of illustrating the synonymity:

(But wait! There’s More!)

****Editor’s Note - Spencer Pratt, president of Celebrity Douchebags of America (Celebrity DOA), has informed us that his organization has renounced all association with Pete Wentz and claims they are lobbying congress to apply the term “anal suppository” to Pete instead. No problem. Those cartoons would draw themselves!

****Editor’s Note II - Still unsure what a douchebag is? We highly recommend the funniest, most comprehensive douchebag resource on the internet: http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/ Not only will you learn all about douchebags and the hot chicks that are inevitably attracted to them, but the website gives you mullet-esque names for each individual douchebag as well as annual awards in numerous categories. It’s truly a pinnacle of internet evolution, and an inspiration for this post.

****UPDATE 01/06/09 - John Mayer has come to the defense of his douchebud Pete Wentz in Blender magazine: (Note to self: Do NOT buy Blender magazine)

“Pete has this fabulous meta-awareness,” Mayer told the magazine. “Some people mistake it for narcissism, but it’s really just his way of playing with the idea of ‘Pete Wentz.’ His genius is he’s always one step ahead.”

Mayer also admires the way Wentz has navigated the perils of tabloid romance with his wife, Ashlee Simpson. “To have this beautiful relationship with someone who gets attacked so often, and to handle it with such grace and respect — I just find that really impressive,” said the rocker.

WHUH?!?? That doofus is stealing our sarcasm without even meaning to! Pete Wentz is the one attacking his wife and he’s doing it completely devoid of grace and respect! Grrrrrrrr! So many douchebags, so little time!

Subscribe to Starcasm by Email

Starcasm.net is so excited about what the new year has in store. We resolve to make fun of tons more celebrities and our paperazzo resolves to draw until his fingers bleed, so don’t be surprised if you see a few specks of red on some of the posts.

It’s only been 2009 for a few days, and it’s already the worst week ever! Here’s a few links to help you navigate through the tangley interwebz to see the worst things Celebs have done this week:

Worst clowns: Any celebrity

Worst guy to bring home to mom: Criss Angel, Mindfreak

Worst tattoo: Miley Cyrus

Worst habit: Smoking!! Ewww

Worst Fasting Expert: Gwyneth Paltrow and her GOOP. We’ll be taking our dietary advice from someone who wasn’t rushed to the hospital after a fast, TYVM.

Worst picture of sanity: Joaquin Phoenix

Worst hygiene: Pete Doherty

Worst rip-off: Twilight perfume

Worst at “moving on” from crazy showbiz family: Bryan Spears

Of course the truly worst thing that occurred was the death of John Travolta and Kelly Preston’s 16-year-old son, Jett. Starcasm.net removes the snark for a minute and we send our condolences to the family. It’s truly a sad event when a child dies.

A visionary like Courtney is often hard to digest for those of us used to the artistic and grammatical mores of our time, but thankfully an interpreter has translated her high-roglyphics into spoken English, which is like an audio gel cap for the written horse pill that is a Courtney Love blog.

If you think you’re hip enough, check out Courtney’s MySpace blog here.

Subscribe to Starcasm by Email

The fifth issue of Duh Magazine hits stands today! Check out the latest stories you already knew were gonna happen:

Lindsay and SamRo get in a fight!
The entire New Year’s weekend was filled with one Lindsay Lohan vs. Samantha Ronson fight after another. (Usually there are a few days in between to allow for public reconciliation photos and explanatory myspace blogging) Watch a couple videos of their New Year’s Eve catfight at a nightclub. (WARNING- “Womanizer” is playing in the background, so if you’ve managed to purge the song from your brain and don’t want it back in there, then maybe you should just read the article and not click on the videos. I’m regretting it.) And catch up on the “couple’s” spat at Miami International Airport the next day. (****UPDATE - Details are now emerging about a trashed hotel room)

OTHER HEADLINES:

Danica Patrick caught speeding

Oprah duped by fake memoir

Paris Hilton has a huge sore on her lip

-

Subscribe to Starcasm by Email

The show appears to have the same ol’ Disney ‘tween scenes:

Character One: Blah blah blah.
Character Two: Blah Blah?
Character Three: No, blah blah blah.
(Zoom in on Character Two’s face)
Character Two: Uh oh.
(Zoom Out)
(Insert childish gag: exploding cake, exaggeratedly angry female character entering, falling off a bike, crab pinching a toe…)

But, according to descriptions of the show, “Jonas” also has the added unpleasantness of breaking into song at any moment. Oof! The world will soon be just a little bit worse than it was.

I suppose you can’t really blame Disney, though. After all, we do live in a capitalist society, and these pre-teen franchises inexplicably rake in hundreds of billions of dollars a year. Heck, if the federal government was serious about reviving our auto industry, they would lower the legal driving age to ten and Disney could build little pink and purple hybrid cars. Problem solved. (The highways would be just a tad less safe, but that’s a small price to pay for a strengthened economy!) Here’s a prototype Jonas Brothers car:

Some other potential pre-teen autos:

The Mamma Miata (or perhaps The Mamma Kia)
The Disney Madatgascar (Hybrid)
The Tracy Turnbladdilac (Comes with junk in the trunk)
The Hyundai School the Musical
The Tinker Bel Air
The Hannah Montana (SUV Party wagon. Holds up to 12 little girls)
The Miley Cyrustang
The Power Range Rover

Subscribe to Starcasm by Email

(To see our first Starcasm Fine Art Collection entry based on a similarly topless Amy Winehouse painted by Paul Gauguin, click here)

Subscribe to Starcasm by Email

“The CW is courting Heather Locklear,” a source exclusively reveals to E!. “I don’t think anyone else from the original has been approached yet.”

The source also says casting announcements may start as early as next month! We need to get on the ball with our Melrose Place Revisited Most Wanted Card Deck! Here are two more entries:

Two of Diamonds: Sandy (played by Amy Locane)
Arnold Schwarzenegger can do a better southern accent than actress Amy Locane. Kudos for the people in charge at MP who realized early on that a hot body and ridiculous plot twists could distract from bad acting, but wasn’t quite enough to draw our attention away from horrible acting. (Locane’s character Sandy  landed a role on a soap opera in New York after only 12 episodes, never to be heard from again) If The CW is planning on bringing Lacone back (certainly they could afford her) we hope it’s as a coma patient.

Ten of Hearts: The Original Melrose Place Theme Song (by Tim Truman)
Our first non-human to make the list, this late-80s-style electric guitar masterpiece set the stage every week, alerting everyone in the house that it was time to drop what they were doing and rush to the living room. I’m afraid that The CW will try to “modernize” it somehow, but there’s really no need. At the very least, run it over the closing credits so we will know when to leave the couch and return to what we were doing. (Click the little green “play” button for an audio flashback) http://www.starcasm.net/mp3s/MelrosePlace.mp3

Subscribe to Starcasm by Email

Heh heh! Dharcasm! (Can you make out Hurley there behind the wheel?)

But seriously, the new season starts January 21st on ABC and the network has a sneak peek to tide you over. (Of course there’s a spoiler alert) Namaste!

Subscribe to Starcasm by Email