Entertainment Weekly is confirming the inevitable: The CW is working on bringing back Melrose Place! The sinking ship of a network has been taking on more and more water of late, and the air bubble of hype and moderate success of Beverly Hills 90210’s return has them hopeful that cashing in on a revamped Melrose Place might provide more buoyancy.

EW reports that the creator of both shows, Darren Star, has already said it “would be a fun thing to do.” But who cares about a shallow hour-long drama featuring immature, sexy, backstabbing, predictable characters acting out numerous felonies on a weekly basis? Does anyone want to know if Sydney isn’t really dead or if Kimberly might blow up the apartment building again after kidnapping Jo’s baby she had with her drug dealing boyfriend she killed in self-defense on a boat paid for in part by Jake and Amanda even though Jake was suspected of burning down his own motorcycle shop that Jo paid for when they were dating the first time before Jake was with Amanda? YES YES YES!!! Lord have mercy, but YES!!

Realizing that The CW usually can’t even afford members of the actors’ guild for their shows, we sure hope they’re able to muster enough to bring back a couple of the “juicy” original characters. Stupid Matt and Kimberly are on Desperate Housewives, so we can forget about them. Jake is on Swingtown, and will remain there until the novelty of seeing people dressed in ’70s clothes and sleeping around wears off, which will probably happen in the next few weeks, but not soon enough to prevent another season. Removing those three from the list of possibilities, here are Starcasm’s rankings for feasible characters The CW could afford to bring back: (more…)