Daily Starbuzz

LINKS! Aziz Ansari’s sex assault response, California parents torture 13 kids, Handmaid’s Tale returning…

DLISTEDABC mainstay and Arrested Development debtor Modern Family will most likely end with its 10th season next year. The show’s creators want to go out like Shakespeare and / or Frasier, meaning a birth, a death, or a wedding (or some combination of those things)

REALITY TEAPeggy Sulahian seems to think it’s a lock that both she and Lydia McLaughlin will return for another season of The Real Housewives of Orange County, or she’s just bored and looking for attention

CELEBITCHYAziz Ansari says he’s “surprised and concerned” to hear that the woman accusing him of sexual impropriety didn’t interpret their first and only date the way he did. He also said “I continue to support the movement that is happening in our culture,” which is either courageous or ironic when you remember that the woman accusing him was inspired to do so after seeing him wearing a #TimesUp pin at the Golden Globes

JEZEBELParents in southern California were arrested after one of their emaciated, malnourished, abused children escaped the house where she’d been shackled to a bed and led authorities back to rescue her twelve trapped siblings

THE BLEMISHRegina Simons, who was an extra in the 1994 Steven Seagal movie On Deadly Ground, says Seagal raped her at his house after inviting her to a wrap party where she turned out to be the only guest

VOXTurns out the reason for chocolate’s current rep as a superfood is a whole bunch of scientific studies funded by the chocolate industry going back three decades. Bonus: this explainer is a video. Tell your friends!

VERY SMART BROTHASHere’s a list of important questions and observations you might have missed while being entertained by Grown-ish‘s latest episode — including, but not limited to, “What time is ‘Ho time’?”

LAINEY GOSSIPThe Handmaid’s Tale‘s second season debuts in April, and the first trailer has fans simultaneously overjoyed (because The Handmaid’s Tale!) and super bummed (because it is some heavy duty stuff). So, if you need cheering up after watching the chocolate conspiracy video, you might want to wait on this

UPROXXMany a Star Wars fanboy was enraged when Disney decided to scrap the entire extended universe. If they hadn’t, though, they would have had to explain how Chewbacca died when a moon fell on him (?!). And while it would have been awesome to see how they handled that, maybe getting rid of everything that wasn’t a feature-length motion picture in favor of something simpler was for the best

LINKS! James Franco sexual assault, Harvey Weinstein slapped, Vermont gets greener…

DLISTEDNow Corey Feldman, who’s been raising money to make a movie about being sexually assaulted as a teen, has been accused of sexual battery

REALITY TEAHere’s why the scene featuring Danielle Staub and Marty Caffrey having sex in the bathroom at the Gorga restaurant opening got cut from RHONJ

CELEBITCHYMichelle Williams — who plays the lead in All The Money In The World — got paid $1,000 to do reshoots after Christopher Plummer replaced Kevin Spacey. Marky Mark got $1.5 million

JEZEBELIn more sexual harassment news, James Franco’s fallout has begun

THE BLEMISH“Harvey Weinstein Got Slapped In His Dumb Rapist Face” is my favorite headline of 2018 so far

VOXVermont is about to become the ninth state to legalize recreational marijuana. Those mountains just got a little greener

VERY SMART BROTHASIn light of the H&M Monkey Hoodie debacle, enjoy this list of “8 Things Companies Should Keep In Mind When Marketing To Black People”

LAINEY GOSSIPLady Bird director Greta Gerwig, already gaining major awards-season steam, may have just made it OK for Hollywood to start closing the door on Woody Allen

UPROXXGillian Anderson says she’s done playing Scully on The X-Files and show creator Chris Carter says he doesn’t want to do the show without her, so savor the latest round of episodes

LINKS! Ellen Page married, Sneaky Brad Pitt, Crossushi craze…

DLISTEDOut with Christmas Boobs of Instagram and in with Instagram Crossushi, which is a sushi roll inside a croissant. This food craze to be followed closely by Nuts And Gum

REALITY TEAEnjoy this photo gallery of the Love & Hip Hop Miami screening party, which looks like it was a gorgeous good time full of people only pretending to get along until they film the reunion special

CELEBITCHYDonald Trump is using Twitter to warn-brag North Korea’s Kim Jong Un of Trump’s “powerful Nuclear Button.” I know there’s an emasculatory clitoris joke to be made in there somewhere, but now I’m too frightened by the possibility of nuclear conflict to find it

JEZEBELIn unrelated and far happier news: Ellen Page got married to her girlfriend Emma Portner, congrats!

THE BLEMISHThis story about Brad Pitt using his real name when he flirts reminds me of the time Paul McCartney talked about taking The Beatles on the road to play a bunch of middle-of-nowhere clubs, and how nobody would recognize them because they’d wear wigs and only do covers

VOXThe “bomb cyclone” currently bearing down on America’s entire Eastern Seaboard is “just a bad storm with good branding” — so, to those of you in its path, we hope you’re still able to read this

LAINEY GOSSIP43-year-old Leonardo DiCaprio and his (latest) 20-year-old model girlfriend Camila Morrone continue to insist — after spending New Year’s together, then traveling back to LA together on a private jet — that they are just friends

THE SUPERFICIALIn an effort to deter thieves, Kim Kardashian wants it known that her latest mansion has a strict no-jewelry policy. I’m trying the same thing with high-gravity beers this year in an effort to deter hangovers

UPROXXFor anyone annoyed by Coachella’s rock-free 2018 lineup, here’s a helpful reminder that the festival has been going pop-friendly for years

LINKS! Paris Hilton got engaged, Carrie Underwood facial surgery, Bale burns Ben’s Batman…

DLISTEDTaylor Swift jacked up the ticket prices for the Reputation tour and is having a harder time selling them than she did for the 1989 tour, but her “Verified Fan” program is probably more than making up the difference in revenue. So, here’s to greed

REALITY TEAEnjoy this photo gallery featuring what a whole bunch of reality stars, from the casts of Vanderpump Rules to Dancing With The Stars to just about every Real Housewife, were doing on New Year’s Eve

CELEBITCHYCarrie Underwood just disclosed that she needed 40 stitches to her face after suffering a bad fall outside her home last November, and her fans are freaking out

JEZEBELTake a breath: Chocolate is probably not actually going to go extinct in the next 50 years, even with climate change denial leading the way

THE BLEMISHThis poor bastard gave the whitest possible pronunciation of “Gangsta” and lost a bunch of money on Jeopardy! as a result

VOXHere’s what California’s newly legal marijuana industry means for legalization in the rest of the United States

VERY SMART BROTHASWhether it actually will be one of the big questions of American life in 2018 is yet to be seen, but one of the big questions of American life in 2018 should be “Why won’t Twitter suspend Donald Trump’s account?”

THE SUPERFICIALParis Hilton’s boyfrield Chris Zylka proposed to her with a $2 million, 20-karat engagement ring…while they were standing on the shady side of a ski resort. Here’s a tip for anyone out there, rich or otherwise, thinking about getting married: Break out the engagement ring in a place where light will actually shine on it

UPROXXChristian Bale’s response to Ben Affleck’s version of Batman — he hasn’t seen it, and he thought his son wanted to see it, “but then I realized he just wanted to see the trailer and that was it” — has me wanting to check the burn center closest to Affleck’s home

LINKS! Mariah Carey not failing, SNL failing badly?, Dave Chappelle controversy…

DLISTEDMariah Carey returned to Times Square for a New Year’s Eve performance and wasn’t terrible

REALITY TEA Ariana Madix says she both was surprised that Jax Taylor cheated on Brittany Cartwright and — wait for it — was totally not at all surprised

JEZEBEL “Over the last 12 months, I have completely transformed my life in an effort to find love. I didn’t.”

VOXHot Take: “Saturday Night Live was the emptiest show of 2017″

UPROXXDave Chappelle used his new Netflix special to say some not especially nice or thoughtful things about Louis CK’s accusers

LINKS! Steve Harvey’s NYE outfit, Chocolate going extinct, Royal Wedding drama…

DLISTEDTamar Braxton’s estranged husband Vincent Herbert was arrested for spousal abuse on Christmas Day and allegedly got another woman pregnant, Happy New Year!

REALITY TEALaLa Kent finally made good on her private jet boasts by taking the Vanderump Rules cast to Vegas in one

CELEBITCHYWillow Smith says growing up famous is “absolutely, excruciatingly terrible,” and based on this explanation we have no reason to doubt her

JEZEBELChocolate will be extinct by 2050 unless science can save it. Given prevailing American attitudes toward science, this is a job for the rest of the world

THE BLEMISHPennsylvania’s huge deer population is apparently such a huge problem that 3,300 Pennsylvanians applied for roadkill permits so they could legally eat the ones they hit with their cars last year. Takeaway: “Roadkill permit” is a thing

VOXThis report on how former Trump aide George Papadopoulos may have kicked off the Russia investigation by getting drunk and bragging about dirt the campaign had on Hillary Clinton is a season-long Veep arc come to life (except funnier, more absurd, and of course more terrifying)

VERY SMART BROTHASAnd speaking of international incidents, apparently Trump is mad that he’s not going to be invited to Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s wedding but Barack Obama is

LAINEY GOSSIPBen Affleck is the Scott Disick of JLo and ARod’s relationship (complete with photo receipt goodness)

UPROXXSteve Harvey’s New Year’s Eve outfit was more hilarious than just about all of the jokes it inspired on Twitter

LINKS! Dr. Phil’s drunken guests, Paris Hilton’s home nightclub, Han Solo’s disaster…

DLISTEDBono is under fire for believing that “music has gotten very girly” and that all the “rage” has gone out of rock and roll, but the bigger takeaway should be surprise that anyone thinks Bono has his finger on the pulse of current rock music at all

REALITY TEAKyle Richards and Mauricio Umansky had a million dollars’ worth of jewelry stolen from their California home while they were on Christmas vacation in Colorado

CELEBITCHYThe Han Solo spinoff movie due out next year is apparently the very hottest of messes and Disney has already thrown up its hands

JEZEBELDr. Phil and his staff have allegedly been encouraging guests to get drunk and / or high — one guest, going through heroin withdrawal, says the show’s staff told her where to go to buy some! — for years

THE BLEMISHRihanna is coming for Kylie Jenner’s share of the cosmetics market

VOXHere’s a very simple explanation why it’s so unusually cold outside this month

VERY SMART BROTHASAnd here’s a list of ten reasons why you should throw these ten popular New Year’s Resolutions — none of them related to weight loss — straight into the garbage

THE SUPERFICIALWe missed this because of the holidays, but Paris Hilton had a nightclub built in her house?

UPROXXGuy Fieri’s infamous Times Square restaurant is closing for good, but its infamous zero-star review in the New York Times will live forever (as will this equally infamous mock menu)

LINKS! Meghan Markle’s poop hat, Trump’s crazy 2017, Hamilton on P0rnHub…

DLISTEDIf you’re driving 60 pounds of marijuana across the country and get stopped in Nebraska for a minor traffic offense, telling the cop that the drugs are Christmas presents won’t stop him from confiscating them (or you from getting arrested)

REALITY TEASpeaking of huge, unexpected Christmas gifts, Kandi Burruss’ charity donated 300 presents to six families in need this year

CELEBITCHYIn the “Huge, Yet Totally Expected Gifts” category, Dutchess Kate dropped around $160,000 on clothing for herself over the past year — a surprising amount of it at Old Navy

JEZEBELAnd speaking of the huge and unexpected, here’s a photo of the four-story hot pink dong this Swedish artist just finished painting on the side of a New York City apartment building

THE BLEMISHHere’s one for the anti-dong crowd: The video “revolutionary boys get dirty on american politics part 1” that somebody uploaded to P0rnHub is actually the first act of Hamilton (they should have titled it “History Has Its Thighs ‘Round You”)

VOXHow many of these “nine bizarre things” Donald Trump did in 2017 had *you* forgotten about?

VERY SMART BROTHAS“10 Struggles That Only Men With Big-Ass Beards Will Understand” (#8 will blow your mind)

THE SUPERFICIALIs Meghan Markle wearing a poop emoji hat? And it is weird that I think she’s pulling it off?

UPROXXIf you’re reading this post while stranded on a ride at Disneyland due to the power outage, here’s hoping you’ve at least got an amazing view